


Of Broken Souls (Psycho)

by Aesthetically_Broke



Category: iKON (Kpop), 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Adult!Hanbin, Adult!Jiwon, Alternate Universe - Psychopaths, Bad Smut, Fluff, M/M, Past Abuse, Rating: M, Underage!Jiwon, everybody has a dark past bc drama, fluffy side ship, literally why is so much fluff in here, mafia!au, not so fluffy side ship, some yoonmin, underage!Hanbin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-02-05
Updated: 2018-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-22 05:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 14
Words: 40,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9584666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesthetically_Broke/pseuds/Aesthetically_Broke
Summary: Little does Hanbin know that the unpayed hours he has to work in an 'institute for the psychiatric ill' lead him to Jiwon: a tall, dangerously looking guy who quite loves to hug him.But Jiwon is someone completely different than he seems to be around Hanbin: The clingy, possessive and kind of strange guy is a brutal psycho as well as a patient at the institute, but Hanbin's presence starts to slowly work wonders for Jiwon.But what happens when Jiwon's beloved Hanbin is in danger?A disfigured, inhuman nature resurfaces.





	1. Prologue - Cravings

Jiwon could feel his in his veins, a fire burning in his body that only could be killed with one thing he knew he shouldn't want.

"Call the doctor, immediately! That patient has a seizure and this time it's bad!" The nurse tried to run down the hallway but was hindered by her high heels. Considering the seriousness of the situation, she quickly kicked the shoes away and ran (while questioning while she even wore such shoes that day).

She ran for her life.  
As her bare feet flew over the cold floor of the institute, she thought back to the days when she was a fresh newbie, determined to do the job she loved. And it was all going well. She soon had gotten a promotion, the people she nursed all liked her and even though there've been a few problem patients here and there, she never really feared any of them.

Until he came. The manifestation of all nightmares, the monster that'd be hiding under the beds of little children. He was the definition of the thing people were scared of when they thought about psychatries. The nurse thought back to the day he arrived here and shook her head in horror, not wanting to remember such cruel scenes.

Finally, she arrived at the doctor's office.  
"Doctor! It's him! Hurry!" Shocked, doctor Jung nodded and ran with the nurse, rushing by a young man in a black sweater who was left with a surprised face and curiosity.

And when they arrived, a horrible sight was offered to them: eight people fixated a young man to a chair, his upper body clothed in a straightjacket and throwing himself himself at the people in hope to break through them. His screams were just like on that first day, inhuman and rather animal-like, just as much as he himself seemed to be as he jumped up, eyes rolling madly, just to be pressed down by the doctor and nurse and the eight other people.

"Go get the medications, he's getting calmer!"  
"Jin, concentrate!"  
"Fuck! Since when has he been that strong?"

She ran to the closet and took out the syringe-box with the label called "high dosis". And as Soonji, the nurse, turned around and her eyes met the patient's mad ones, she could see it in his stare. She froze right on the spot, the madness holding her in place and letting her heart beat faster as fear overcame her.

Jiwon was craving again.


	2. Chapter 1

_The streetlights flickered as he passed one of his biggest graffitis, running for his life. The adrenaline pumped through his veins and enabled him to still sprint at that speed after 15 long, nerve-wracking minutes, but he knew that his stamina wouldn't endure much more running. He had to hide._

_"Where the fuck is he? I'm going to kill that cunt for thinking he could run away!" He could barely suppress his urge to curse -well, the boss himself was searching for him- and instead tried to quietly slip into a grocery store - or somewhere else with a lot of people. They're going to find him at this rate and it wouldn't end without severe injuries, he had been a part of them long enough to know that. But he also knew that if he wouldn't escape now, he never will. He turned around the corner-_

_And bumped into a bulky chest. His eyes shot up in horror to see Kyung out of all people towering above him, his thick arms bulging beneath his tight sweatshirt.  
Kyung was bad, really bad news, because Kyung was goddamn loyal. Hanbin even knew that he probably was going to be beat up by him, he had been by his partner in those errands for a year and it always had been the ones he hated the most. Well, Kyung always had done the most part; Hanbin only got the information if needed._

_Suddenly, he remembered how Kyung had gently pushed him aside at their first beating and how he had taken over the brutal work, leaving without a word after he finished the guy. Hanbin knew that Kyung had killed people like that, he himself once or twice was responsible for it - the echo of the gunshots still kept visiting him in his nightmares. "Shit-!" Hanbin turned around to run away as a big hand roughly grabbed his shoulder and surprisingly pulled him back behind the corner. His confusion must have clearly showed on his face, because Kyung showed him a small, reassuring smile - something he had never seen from Kyung. "It's okay, I'm not going to let them catch you."_

_"Don't fuck with me, you're the most damn loyal dog of them-" Kyung shushed him and pressed his big hand over Hanbin's mouth. "Just run in the opposite direction. There's a C-shop. Boss would never think that you'd go there. Try not to get caught by other gangs there, they know your face. But it's unlikely that they're getting stuff right now, so hurry up already!" He removed his hand from Hanbin's mouth, just to be asked the obvious. "Why?" Knowing they didn't have any time left, Kyung sighed and tried to shortly summarize his reasons._

_He had always felt a strong brotherly affection towards Hanbin, especially on the beating errands. It almost had killed him as he had to quietly stand by Hanbin and let him go through the pain of shooting somebody, the quiet sobs coming out of Hanbin's room that night letting him tense up in emotional pain. Kyung knew he was in too deep and so he didn't even try to save himself anymore, but Hanbin was a different story, a young, untouched jewel Kyung was certain would become a diamond - and maybe he also reminded him a bit of his dead brother, but that was another story not to be told. "You know, some people should live proper lives."_

_With those words, he shushed Hanbin again and pushed him towards the direction of the C-shop. And even though Hanbin should already be running, he couldn't help himself and pull the giant in for a short, meaningful hug. "Thank you, Kyung." He then finally ran down the alley, determined not be caught at all costs. Kyung tried to suppress the few tears that rested in his eyes, looking after Hanbin and shouting to his group that he saw him running away into the opposite direction of the C-shop._

Hanbin stood in front of an enormous institute, still not being able to believe how he ended up here. It was a white, old fashioned building with some modern touches that just seemed too cheesy for Hanbin - he didn't have the patience to nurse rich, crazy assholes. But it was a step towards his new, peaceful life he wanted so badly, so he'd put up with it and try to get a good job, a house, meet someone... His mind trailed off until the guy who had to drop him off here slightly pushed his shoulder. "Hey, please hurry up a bit, will you? I really hate this place." Instead of asking why, Hanbin just nodded and told him that he'd find the way in by himself. That guy's name tag read Jinhwan and he just looked worriedly at the building in front of him, fighting with his responsibilities and what he wanted to do. Eventually, he decided for the latter.

"But don't you dare to run away... Thanks." Jinhwan quickly made his way back to the car, not wanting to be near the creepy institute for any longer. He knew what kind of people were in there and just the thought of it let goosebumps creep up his back.

"Wouldn't get me anywhere good anyways..." Hanbin knew that the guy called Jinhwan wasn't able to hear him anymore, but he still whispered the words. Maybe they were an encouragement to himself, to tell himself that running away for a second time only would get him back to the gang, and that's the last place he wanted to be. His eyes followed the black car driving out of the psychiatric institute's grounds before turning around and walking towards the big, white entrance. While he followed a neatly carved out path, he saw a few people sitting or walking in the big garden, most wearing expensive looking stuff - this place was reeking of money. "Fucking old, privileged people, how could you have any problems that'd make you go insane?" Hanbin mumbled to himself, eyeing the crazy of the upper class carefully with despising glare. There also were guys and girls his age, letting even more anger bubble up inside him.

But he had to admit; Hanbin was surprised when he saw a fucking twelve year old walking by him, an empty gaze looking right through him, letting goosebumps creep on his skin. "Hm, brat, has the golden spoon made you go mad?" he scoffed, instantly regretting it at the scared expression the boy replied with. "I'm sorry, I'll do better, I'm sorry, forgive me, I'll do better. I-" What the hell...? He didn't know what to do and Hanbin could in no way leave the boy in that state, even though there were nurses walking around. Hanbin may have killed people, he may have beaten them and torture also was one of his jobs, but those people were scum just like himself, not a little boy. Suddenly, Hanbin remembered how Kyung would always lay his hand on his shoulder when just before they'd enter the room and so, his hand moved on his own, carefully laying it on the boys shoulder and rubbing his thumb softly across it. He leaned down a bit, a calm smile on his lips. "I'm sorry, it's my fault. You did really, really well. Cheer up?" His words were insecure, but Hanbin's steady voice calmed the little boy. He then returned to his empty behaviour, continuing to walk like nothing happened and Hanbin figured it would be the best to do the same.

Soon, he reached the entrance which he carefully opened. He was greeted by a foyer colored in warm greens, completely opposing to the sterile white exterior of the building. The receptionist wasn't there; the expensive looking chair behind the counter made out of dark wood was empty. After a few lazy steps, Hanbin reached it and just when he was about to hit the call button, two people rushed by him. He could identify them as a doctor and one of the nurses who seemed to be everywhere outside. Hanbin always had been a curious person and he was itching to go after them, but he didn't want to make a bad first impression. Eventually, the second before the two of them disappeared behind the corner, his curiosity won the best of him and he sprinted after them, wanting to know what caused the panic on their faces. The way his breath soon started to race a bit along with his heart would always bring back memories of that night like it just happened hours before, even though two months had already passed. Four more and he'd be safe.

_Hanbin knew the C-shop Kyung meant would provide a crowd to hide in and he also knew that it was fucking dangerous, even horribly stupid to go there. A C-shop was a place full of drug addicts, dealers and prostitutes, practically the black market pushed into a dirty building. A grocery shop at day, a place for the filthiest of the filthy during the night. Incredibly rich mafia bosses clothed in thousands of dollar suits would walk next begging skeletons of drug addicts and almost naked women (their age ranged from 15 to some in their 50s, but most were around 20) and if somebody would come too close, a gunshot or two were heard. It was basically the definition of what Hanbin desperately wanted to run away from._

And Hanbin was almost famous in the scene, a high ranked member close to the head of the third biggest circle. People had respect for him to be at the high ranks at such young age. If only they knew that he joined the gang with 15 years, needing to pay off a debt. His parents were hopeless people, so he couldn't count on them, he even despised the two. Well, they were never close to begin with, so it wasn't something he would ever call "loss". Loss was not having a home because loan sharks would beat you up and take it; loss was not knowing his own sibling because his parents gave it free to adoption just before they started with the colorful pills and happy powder. 'It happened in the past.' That's what Hanbin would always say, trying to forget to bury the pain under indifference and work. But work was slowly getting filthy, so was he.

Hanbin resurfaced from dwelling in bad memories, quietly slipping through the small door at Min's Grocery Store. He would need to avoid getting seen by any high ranks that were on their way to Min's, the owner of the shop and popular Mafioso himself. Like always, a wave of grey smoke welcomed him in the pits of hell.

But he loved how fast his well built legs moved and the excitement flowing through his veins would remember him of running against Kyung, always winning. The colors of the walls changed back to a sterile white as he caught the closing door behind the two in front of him, swiftly slipping through the frame and letting it shut close. He ran after them, noticing how the nurse did not wear any shoes. What a serious institute, he thought while wanting to know how big the building exactly was. It seemed huge at the front, but given that they've been running at full speed for around a minute and Hanbin could already see the windows of the building's end, it didn't seem that enormous. But suddenly, just as Hanbin figured they'd arrive soon, an inhuman scream rung through his ears.

_He breathed in, smelling the familiar, disgusting scent of a C-shop. Hanbin slowly pulled the hood over his head, not wanting to be recognized that fast - he wasn't that dumb, he was going to eventually bump into a familiar face. That the familiar face would immediately there and in the form of shop owner Min, that was something he didn't expect. "Hey. Kyung called me and I know I shouldn't do this, but I owe him. So come with me." The fumes would always make Hanbin dizzy, but he shook his head instantly despite the numb feeling creeping in his head. "Just tell Kyung you helped me. Actually, you'd help me with simply ignoring me and letting me hide in the crowd." Min squinted at him. "No problem with me. Just tell me why the hell a loyal big shot like you would run away." The first time that day, Hanbin smiled. It was a warm smile that surprised Min since the young member rarely showed any emotions except for a bored, cold glare and a frown, anything gentle would only be directed at the few poor kids in the C-shop. "I was curious about a peaceful life without," his hand made a big gesture which included the whole shop which summed up his life until that point, "this."_  
The other just nodded, his mind wandering towards older times. He dwelled in the memories of his lover, how they'd peacefully wake up next to each other, madly in love and inseparable. A time before he joined the mafia and he tried to drown his sorrow in crimes. Suddenly, he looked Hanbin in the eyes, laying his hands on the younger's shoulders and staying like that for a few moments, like saying goodbye. Then, his hands removed themselves from Hanbin.  
"Well," Min mumbled before slipping away again, "they say curiosity kills the cat." 

_The only thing that Hanbin remembered after their conversation was screaming, police officers hitting people and a strong thud against his head before everything went black._

The screaming let him freeze on the spot, sounds of muffled profanities and grunts coming from an opened door, right were the nurse and doctor went. He was fighting with himself, one part of him scared (which he would never admit), saying that it'd just bring more trouble to go in there and the other being the curious that screamed at him to finally fucking move. Eventually, he decided for the latter. He swiftly took the few steps and turned towards the door, quickly taking in the scene happening in front of him: Around ten people held down someone who wore a straightjacket and was the one inhumanly screaming. At the other side of the room, there was a nurse holding a box labeled "high dosis", frozen by the merciless stare of the patient. Another roar and the seemingly insane guy the people tried to fixate against his bed threw himself in Hanbin's direction, finally noticing him. And Hanbin stood in the door frame his light brown eyes now glued towards the dark, instantly calm ones that seemed to admire him.

_"Kim Hanbin, 19 years old and sprayer of various graffitis, considering his age and the proof provided in this trial,_

And Jiwon saw him, standing in the door frame with a puzzled look on his face. The boy had a pretty face with plump lips that were tinted pinkish, his cheeks colored by a red flush and his chest was moving rapidly like he had been running. The moment Jiwon's eyes landed on the boy, his crave slowly started to subside into nothing and he felt himself freezing in the grasp of the many people, an unknown calmness overwhelming him. The second his own had met the boys eyes, he felt another urge, another crave bubbling inside him. But it was so different, so gentle and warm - he wanted to get to know the boy that silenced the voices.

_you are sentenced to 114 hours of unpayed, social work in an institute."_

The people holding him noticed that he stopped to fight, all of their eyes shooting to where Jiwon's gaze was locked - a guy. "What are you doing here, you're not-" Doctor Jung was interrupted by a stern, low growled stop it that seemed to come from nowhere, that's absurd the idea of Jiwon actually talking was. And the deep, dangerous voice let Doctor Jung's bones shake in fear, the madness clearly audible in the patient's voice.

It took the boy a second to realize what was happening, the events too surreal to be comprehended. Then, he spoke in a shaking voice that first left Jiwon with an urge to hug the other.

"Hanbin... I'm Kim Hanbin, I'm supposed to work here. Uhm, long story short, I'm here for unpaid working."

But then, words seemed to break the short spell that Hanbin had put on Jiwon, bringing back the screeching voices and a filthy need. And so, right in front of Hanbin's eyes, Jiwon rose from the bed, catching the staff off guard just to tackle down one of them and let his teeth sink into his neck.

-  
**“The patient Kim Jiwon shows behaviour that suggests schizophrenia along with signs of a wendigo psychosis. Whereas the patient usually is an aggressive state, there occur times during which he only shows difficulties socializing with other people. But after a varying period of time, the patient eventually is triggered by unknown factors, returning to a dangerous state."**  
-

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry the chapters are pretty short, but it's the most I can manage with school and everything.  
> And I'm already on caffeine and black tea lmao


	3. Chapter 2

The guy screamed in pain, struggling while the teeth were buried deeply in his flesh. And Hanbin joined him, no words, no curses, just the shock pouring out of his heart and into the room. Maybe he was shouting at the staff who was frozen, maybe he screamed at the psycho so he would stop. But he didn't.

_He bit his neck. He bit his neck. He bit his neck, he fucking bit his neck!_

It was the only thought shooting through his mind, blocking everything else but the tall built man holding down the staff member, blood spilled near them. Somewhere around him, the people cursed and finally tried to safely get the staff away from the patient as a nurse ran to Hanbin. And before she pulled him out of the room with her, the patient rose from his victim and turned around to him, tears and shock forming his expression, blood staining on his face and letting it look disgusting, so disgusting. And he ran towards Hanbin, the touch of the nurse waking the other who slammed the door shut. "No! No! Give! Give him to me! I'll kill you; I'll rip your fucking throats open so that your dirty blood will paint the walls! Don't take him away from me!" The patient roared as he threw himself against the white door, kicking and punching the staff so he could hammer with his fists against it. The door shook dangerously in its angles and Hanbin feared it'd break, but stayed put. "Get away from me! Let me get to Han-" Suddenly, his voice died down, the doctors barking orders about dressing the patient in the straightjacket again. Then, it was quiet.

Hanbin only let himself fall on the ground, wiping away the tears he didn't knew he had cried. He put his shaking hands around his body, jaw clenched and whispering in denial. "He bit his neck... He bit his neck. The blood on his face, he-" Hanbin didn't dare to say his thought out loud, scared it might come true. His stared at his left hand, cursing his curiosity and stupidity. At the same time, he thought I should be used to this, I saw it so many times, I- He continued to spin those thoughts until they became a mess he had no control over. His chest rose and fell as he still panted heavily, the patient's expression burning into his mind, right next to the sound of the gunshots.

[-]

"You can do it, I'm sure. It's completely safe now." It certainly was a poor attempt of comfort Soonji gave to Hanbin who could only try to hide his shaking by clenching his fists, definitely being afraid of what was to come. "Sure, last time you thought that too, mh?" He couldn't suppress the bitterness in his voice - he just couldn't believe these doctors, seriously. Not to mention he wasn't a very friendly person to begin with... at least not to insane psychopaths and crazy doctors. The nurse laid a hand on his shoulder which he shook off immediately, interrupting her as she tried to speak. "Get your hands off me, bitch. As long as I get alive out of there and never have to do it again, everything's fine." Even though he snarled at her, Hanbin's voice shook horribly; caused by his fear he would never admit.

Intimidated, Soonji backed off a bit and nodded, looking at the ground. Maybe, under different circumstances, maybe then Hanbin would've felt a bit guilty, but he only felt nervousness running through his veins as his heart thumped hardly against his ribcage. He closed his eyes and took a breath, not able to hold back a laugh. God, what the hell am I doing? He thought, trying to calm himself. He was about to enter a room with a cannibalistic psychopath waiting in there. "Uhm, Mr. Kim-" Hanbin flinched; he hated being addressed like that, memories of darker days shortly flooding his mind. "Don't call me like that... Just call me Hanbin. I'm younger than you anyways." She nodded, not addressing the other's reaction. "I just wanted to tell you that you probably should wait as long as possible to talk. Maybe that's what triggered him last time."

 

_"You want me to do what? You should consider throwing some pills down your own throat." Hanbin was speechless, they had to be kidding! "We believe- we observed that your presence had an effect on the patient. It's just an experiment which will be completely safe for you-" Anger shot through Hanbin at the ridiculousness of the proposal, jumping out of his seat and leaning towards the doctor, hands gripping tightly at the edges of the desk. The few nurses and male staff that witnessed the scene earlier started to whisper at Hanbin's aggressive behavior, but he didn't care – he had been intimidating people in the mafia for years and it was something that became a part of him, being aggressive at certain times that is. Doctor Jung, Jiwon's responsible doctor, backed away a bit at Hanbin's expression, it just screamed that he was more than ready to punch him. "Safe my ass! Let me guess, you thought that earlier, everything was safe and 'completely under control', huh?"_

_"It was until you barged in, Mr.Kim.-" Hanbin interrupted the other, the name taking him back to older times. He knew he shouldn't go back into the mafia-state, but he grew up with it, making it hard to suppress. It felt like it was in running in his blood."Don't call me-" "Don't interrupt me, Mr. Kim." The doctored shot sharp glares to Hanbin, not wanting to lose this seemingly once in a lifetime opportunity. Jiwon was a danger to the outside world and there might be a solution within the young boy. "You entered this area without any permission and it was your presence that led patient Jiwon into an unstable state." Hanbin let himself fall back on to the hard office chair, snarling and laughing in disbelief. Then, he glared at the doctor who (though he would've never admitted it) had to swallow loudly. That guy had something dangerous about him and under normal circumstances he would've thrown him out immediately. But those weren't normal circumstances._

_"See, Mr. Kim, we can easily send you back to the main office and you can search for another institute - though I doubt that anyone would take someone who was kicked out." Hanbin's face went pale. He wasn't really attached to this place and if he was being honest, he wanted to disappear as quickly as possible after what happened. But this place was by far the furthest away from Seoul and so the furthest away from the mafia. He needed to stay here, if he wanted to or not. "What's wrong with him?" He asked into the silence that had laid itself over the office. "Excuse me?" Hanbin sighed, nerves so tense that it really took him a lot of effort not to punch the other. "What's wrong with the patient... and what's his name?" Doctor Jung was taken aback; he hadn't thought his strategy would work. Then, he stuttered a bit out of surprise until he could form proper sentences. "His name is Kim Jiwon... He has schizophrenia and uhm... we think he may suffer from a wendigo psychosis." Hanbin's eyebrows rose in slight confusion._

_"What the hell is a wendigo psychosis?" Obviously uncomfortable with saying it out loud, Doctor Jung hesitated. "Well, the name is leaning on the tale of the wendigo, a monster that is basically a person who ate... human flesh. So a person with a wendigo psychosis..." The young man's eyes widened as he understood. They wanted him to- "I won't fucking go into the same room as a cannibalistic psychopath! No way in your fucking, goddamn hell! I'm out of this bullshit." He screamed, rising from his chair and walking towards the door when a small hand suddenly grabbed his arm. It was the nurse that had pushed him out of the room earlier; he believed her name was Soonji._

_"Mr. Hanbin... It's completely understandable that you don't want to do this... But we're in deep despair with his case. He's been here for four years now and he never showed any reaction like this. We wouldn't ask so much of you if we weren't desperate. Please, I beg you; just participate in the experiment once. You'll also have normal chores or cleaning duty after that, anything far away from Kim Jiwon." He knew he shouldn't, yet he had to. This was the place he could hide for at least some time; he couldn't afford anything nearer towards Seoul. Fuck the tough mafia years, he was such a softie. "Okay." All of their lowered heads shot up in surprise, staring right at Hanbin. "I'll do it."_

And he already regretted his choices. But there was nothing he could do about it, he already agreed to it. So he opened his eyes and stared one last time at the white door in front of him, the memory of it being shaken vividly in his mind, and entered the room.

And he avoided looking at the bed to his right, even though there he could feel an intense stare directed at him. He could've looked at paintings on the wall, at some decorations in the room - if there had been any. There only was a window at the other side of the room and a table where earlier, there had been standing boxes with medicaments and except for that, the massive hospital-like bed on which the psychopath laid. Still not being able to look at the other, Hanbin stared at the ground while he walked towards the third and last piece of furniture in the room: a chair. He still refused to give the patient even a glance, staring at the spot where the staff member had been laying, bleeding and screaming. The cleaning ladies must have tried to wash all of the blood away (which they successfully did), but the scent of it, oh fucking god, the scent of it still lingered in the room like a third, inevitable presence. Then, Hanbin's eyes moved to his own hands, remembering how in shock he had been and how they had shaken so heavily.

Suddenly, the psychopath moved in his bed and Hanbin flinched, holding his arms up in defense. The other grunted angrily, eyes still piercing through Hanbin, at least that's what it felt like to Hanbin. The tension was unbearable and the man on the bed grunted and moved again, then he gave up and stayed silent while Hanbin had thousands of thoughts rushing through his head. One particular, for whatever reason, stood out to him. His name is Kim Jiwon.

"Look at me." Hanbin was confused, where did that deep voice come from?, but then he understood: Jiwon had spoken to him. He really didn't want to, but there was something so soft and begging in that deep voice that Hanbin slowly looked up to the other, carefully glancing at him through his thick lashes. And their eyes met again, light melting into the dark and vice versa. And again, his gaze was just so soft and careful that it hard to imagine that he nearly killed somebody, that he was a bloody psychopath - if there hadn't been the straightjacket, strong tapes fixating him to the bed and something that looked like a muzzle, still allowing Jiwon to speak. Then, Jiwon contently sighed. "You looked at me." It was so weird to hear his voice again that just hours ago had threatened people to slit their throats and now was being so soft, as if Hanbin would scatter into a million pieces if he spoke too harshly.

Hanbin lowered his gaze again, but this time his eyes mustered the straightjacket and the tapes, glad that they were there. "No. Look at my face. And please, say something. I want to hear your voice again." _Why? Whywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhywhy? Why was he so different? What was so special about Hanbin?_ Hanbin was filthy and he knew it. He didn't like the way Jiwon spoke to him as if was something precious, he knew he wasn't and he wouldn't let any other idea bloom in his head. Hesitantly, but still, Hanbin spoke. His words were slow; he didn't want to stir anything in the other's psyche. "Hey."

And Jiwon flinched, trying to jump towards Hanbin who quickly got up from his chair, but still standing close to the bed. There was something roaming in the other's eyes as he stared at Hanbin again, something different hooding his eyes. Something he couldn't identify. "There's something about your voice..." Jiwon stopped his sentence and let his eyes slide over Hanbin's body, over the ripped jeans and the black hoodie. Then, he spoke again, all softness and care gone - but also no madness dripping out of it. "How do you do it?"

Confused, Hanbin stared at Jiwon, forgetting his fear for a short moment. "What do you mean?" Again, his eyes roamed over Hanbin's body, taking in its sight, but still without the softness. "Whenever I see you, the voices are gone and I don't feel stressed at all. I feel the need to get to know you." A snarl escaped Hanbin's mouth, letting the other tense up. "Sorry. I mean, sorry but that won't happen. I don't like talking about myself and that shit. Not happening." Hanbin may be scared, but his past was such a sensitive topic that his usual, cold frown appeared on his face. "Guess we have something in common... And don't make that face." Hanbin scoffed, rising from his chair. "You're not telling me what to do." Jiwon's body tensed up again, this time jerking towards Hanbin in an aggressive manner. Hanbin jumped and tripped over the chair, falling forward and right on to the bed - head hitting Jiwon's hard chest.

Hanbin didn't dare to move as Jiwon took deep breaths, his chest rising and falling beneath Hanbin's hands.

"Hanbin." His voice was hoarse and had an aggressive tone to it. "Hanbin, even though I want to get to know you, please get off me. I-" He groaned, trying to pull himself together. "I really hate being touched by strangers." The next second, Hanbin's eyes shot up to see Jiwon's glare, madness filling it. He hurried to get on his feet again and just when he succeeded, Soonji entered the room. Jiwon who had just been on the verge of being calm again, looked at the nurse and growled. "Go." Soonji looked scared, but managed to speak. "Hanbin, we think it's enough. You don't have to be here... But Doctor Jung wants to see you." After she finished speaking, Jiwon started roaring and trying to break the tapes. "Don't! Don't take him away from me! Go away you dirty whore! Go and don't you dare to touch him!" Soonji's hand, which she wanted to lay on Hanbin's shoulder to guide him out, flinched back and instead, she just made a gesture. "Mr. Hanbin, I think you really should go now." And Jiwon screamed even louder, threatening to torture and kill Soonji in the worst kind of ways.

And after they left the room, Jiwon's shouting still audible, Hanbin's thoughts started to wander.

He actually was scared that he had two things in common with a complete psychopath.


	4. Chapter 3

A few days already went by and Hanbin was currently taking care of one of the garden's departments, a chore he got used to already. He institute was a huge place and divided into areas for certain types of mental illnesses: One for the calm patients (suffering from things like depression, phobias, burn-outs and eating disorders) and the patients in need of more... special care (schizophrenia, paranoia and anything with socially difficult behaviour). And he had to admit, he felt pretty awkward between all the more or less fierce gazes that followed him in the special care section. He cut the grass and wiped the big stone tables that were standing in the garden, cleaned the separated pool and even scrubbed bird shit from statues. If there weren't nurses and mad stares in every corner, this could've been easily mistaken as a wellness hotel.

And Hanbin was pissed.

It wasn't that he had to do gardening errands, he was glad he didn't have to be near Jiwon anymore, but a lot of things were on his mind. He had to figure out how to avoid the mafia and quickly work as many hours as possible in here to finish the punishment, but the law permitted more than 4 hours a day - _so he'd be stuck here for 28 days and 24 were left._ The idea of asking for a constant employment flew through his mind, but he shook is head instantly. "I shouldn't stay here for too long... I have to get money to make it to the abandoned country side towards south. They haven't spread to there last time I checked." He mumbled to himself as his eyes searched for more flowers to water. It was the easiest part of the work and given that his now buzzing headache worsened his condition, he didn't want to do anything hard. His nerves were already strained and the last thing he wanted to do is stand out in any way. But suddenly, someone bumped into him.

"How dare you stand in my way, you... you peasant!" Hanbin turned around to see a boy his age angrily shouting at him, his built muscular and eyes fierce. Usually, Hanbin would have glared at him and threatened to beat him up (well, it was just a habit combined with usually nonexistent patience, what can he say), but today he just smiled politely and spoke in a forced nice manner. "Excuse me, but you were the one bumping into me. But I don't want any fights, so let's just continue with what we were doing, happy and peacefully." A boiling expression immediately appeared on the other's face, seemingly not pleased with the answer. "Hey, you poor and dirty janitor! Apologize to me this instant." Hanbin shortly closed his eyes, well aware that he shouldn't cause a scene with some rich heir. If really needed, he did have patience, an incredible one even, but if you're used to be treated with high respect in the mafia it could get lost somewhere in getting used to it. But thanks to a certain, buff friend, Hanbin trained to not lose control if needed.

So he even refrained from gritting his teeth and opened his eyes, now speaking with more sincerity ringing in his voice. "Mister, I would if I had done something wrong. I understand if you are angry in any kind of way ( _because you're a sick motherfucking patient that needs mental treatment and would be walking around an balls if we met on the street_ ), but whether I have a lot money ( _and I do, you sucker_ ) or not doesn't change the fact that you are asking for something without a plausible reason. So again, I don't want to cause a scene and I have work to do ( _other than you, you lazy ass bitch_ )." Thank god for silent thoughts.

"You were in my way, you poor asshole. Don't think that you can just bump into Kung Sungdo without suffering any consequences!" He took a few steps towards Hanbin, his movements and behaviour so awfully aggressive that Hanbin just straight up wanted to punch him. _I've dealt with a four year old, cocky mafia daughter. This should be a piece of cake_. He would've laughed if he weren't in a serious situation as he remembered the day. It was his sixteenth birthday and it was her fourth - and she literally was a mafia princess with the temper of, well, a four year old. No one believed that they would walk out of that house as friends and he occasionally would babysit her.

Now, he just looked in the undeniably attractive, yet anger-filled eyes of Kung Sungdo. "Bitch, I'm a fucking mafia heir and if you don't want to be homeless, tortured or shot you better apologize now." Hanbin suppressed a snarl. "Well, then I want to avoid this fight even more. Excuse me, but I have to water flowers." He turned on his heels and walked towards the area he had to garden. It was the place beneath Jiwon's window, so it was as empty as always. Jiwon made everyone uncomfortable, sane or not. _Well, his eyes were so soft and caring when Hanbin entered the room-_

His thoughts were interrupted by a hand forcefully stopping him and another grabbing his collar, almost letting him trip. Again, Sungdo fiercely stared at him, their noses almost touching as his gaze burned into Hanbin's eyes. "Dirty son of a bitch, I said apologize." Hanbin sighed as he raised his hand to his temples. He closed his eyes, clearly annoyed and sighed again, letting out all of his frustrations. _"I gave you fucking three chances, idiot."_

"Huh? Speak up, asshole!" Right after Sungdo finished his sentence, Hanbin's eyes shot open and his hands shot up in between the other's arms, forcefully pushing them down. The tables had turned, now it was Hanbin strongly grabbing Sungdo's collar and it were Hanbin's eyes filled with anger, except that the frown on his face did intimidate his opponent (even if he would've never admitted it). "Listen, I don't give a shit about where you come from, who you or your father are, but I did do nothing wrong. So leave me alone before it's _me_ who 'tortures or kills' _you_. Understood?" _God, that was stupid. Are you going crazy around the insane, Hanbin?_ Sungdo snorted, smirking at mockingly at the other despite the fact that he had to clench his fists to hide the fact that he was shaking like crazy. He may was a mafia heir, but he was always surrounded by bodyguards and protected by his reputation, so no one ever had threatened him. Strangely, excitement shot through his veins and weakened his anger, which he didn't show. That's everything Sungdo had ever done in his life: Hide what really was going on; His interests, sexuality and fear.

"You wouldn't even stand a chance, janitor. That wouldn't be harmless fight at a party. It's the mafia-" Hanbin came even nearer, their foreheads touching and his glare burning into Sungdo's eyes. Unwillingly, his eyes shot down to the other's lips and he gulped at the sight of them. They were full, tinted in a beautiful shade of pink and looked just so _awfully good_. "Don't even try it." Hanbin was to busy being angry to notice the blush creeping up Sungdo's cheeks as his eyes rested on the other's lips for only a mere second. But the growling voice brought back the kid with the anger issues and despite his heart thumping in his chest, he grunted and tried to throw a punch at Hanbin who swiftly dodged it, just to brutally slam down his hand on the other's shoulder. "I told you, _don't_ ," his lips now directly next to Sundgo's ears and his hot breath hitting the skin of his neck, Hanbin whispered with a deep voice which involuntarily let Sungdo shudder," and no words to daddy or anyone, understood?"

Right when Sungdo was about to slowly nod, a scream erupted through the garden section which sounded painfully familiar to Hanbin. "Don't touch him! Hanbin! Let me go to him... _let me see him!_ " Their heads shot towards the direction of the only window at the in plants covered wall, seeing Jiwon banging his big hands against the glass until it broke. He turned around, seemingly kicking a guard and pushing himself out of the window - from the first floor. His white straightjacket got ripped, stains of red quickly spreading on his clothes as he fell on the ground, not once stopping to scream Hanbin's name. Shocked, Hanbin didn't move as Jiwon got up and threw off the ripped straightjacket, exposing his naked upper body which was covered in scars. Some of them were surprisingly new, but Hanbin's attention was on the few, fresh cuts. There was a big piece of class stuck in his side which fell out as he turned around and sprinted towards Hanbin, his blood running down his body in thin runnels. "Hanbin!"

Sungdo jumped away from Hanbin who instantly got tackled down by Jiwon. His strong, naked arms wrapped around the other's body who felt his breath being stolen by the feeling. They landed on the ground and Hanbin could feel Jiwon's warmth, the one of his body and the one running down on them. "Hanbin... Hanbin... Hanbin, please, Hanbin, save me..." Jiwon repeated his name over and over again as if it was a prayer only the other could answer. The tall psychopath's head was buried in the crook of the younger's neck as he instantly started to breath slower. Hanbin wanted to move, but Jiwon just carefully hugged him tighter. "Hanbin, please, this filthy need, let it disappear, oh please I beg you... I need your touch, help me, save me, Hanbin!" Hanbin's words were stuck in his throat as he felt Jiwon's tears on his neck. In the corner of his eye, he could Sungdo trying to walk near them, but the other just made a gesture telling him to go far, far away. Then, his hands rested on Jiwon's back, even though it was more of a habit than the will to comfort the other.

The stayed like that for a few seconds before Jiwon was ripped away from Hanbin, crying and screaming his name again. And Hanbin just continued to lie there, ignoring the nurses rushing towards him and staring at the sky. Jiwon had been surprisingly warm.

_He was going insane._

[-]

Half an hour later, he sat in Doctor Jung's office again - still in his bloodstained clothes and letting his leg bounce up and down as he was annoyed by the silence. 10 minutes had already passed and Doctor Jung continued to only stare at the empty desk in front of him. Now, Hanbin had enough. He was already worried to death because he basically told Kung Sungdo that he was part of the mafia himself. The Kung family was close to his old boss. To state it clearly, Hanbin was dead - no, severely tortured and then, then he'd be dead. Hanbin wanted to give up, his mind falling in despair. He had been so close to achieving things and lost it all, so he didn't care at all anymore. As if that heir was feeling threatened by him. "I'm going if you won't tell me why the fuck I am here. I thought you promised we wouldn't see each other again. „Doctor Jung sighed, making Hanbin's blood boil. But before he could start his fire of insults, the older spoke. "Mr. Kim. First off, we want to apologize for what happened earlier. We didn't expect Jiwon to react like that... He stopped eating and barely drank. But what happened a few days ago was phenomenal. No one ever got so close to him during his stay, not to mention laying on him. It's truly amazing; he even requested seeing you several times but today, he-"

"Today he snapped when he saw me through the window, right? And let me guess, you want me to go in there?" Doctor Jung nodded and Hanbin laughed in disbelief. "You know what?" Hanbin continued to laugh, barely holding back his tears. He had been so close to a normal life. _Why did it fail before it even started? Get yourself together, Hanbin, you still have a chance. For fuck's sake, you worked four years to pay off your debt, you won't give up that easily, will yo-_ "I'm doing it. I'm fucking going to do it. It's not like I have something to lose, right?" He bravely returned the doctor's stare, arms crossed in front of his chest and eyes mockingly daring. "I guess." Hanbin snorted and looked away, not able to contain his anger, tears and despair at the answer. 

[-]

"So you're not even lifting you head when I enter, huh?" Jiwon's head shot up as he heard Hanbin's voice, even though there was something like a flinch to it - Hanbin's voice always stirred something in Jiwon. If it was something good or horribly bad, he didn't know.

The older didn't answer. His eyes just locked with the other, something like sadness swimming inside them. "By the way, what was that earlier? I thought you don't like touching strangers." Jiwon growled as Hanbin sat down, just to mumble something right after. "What did you say?"

"I needed to confirm if you were real and not dead. I needed to confirm that I haven't killed you."

_"But why, Doctor Jung? Why the hell do I affect Kim Jiwon?"_

_"I don't know. We suppose he's just... attracted to you."_

"Attracted, huh?" He mumbled to himself, sighing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is literal shit idk  
> Also this whle fiction is not edited, I only try my best to look after grammar errors and typos  
> Also, some love to you guys


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soft Hanbin

_"Attracted, huh?" He mumbled to himself._

"Hanbin." The deep voice sent shivers down his spine, even though the hoarse voice itself was filled with something like... fear. "Hanbin-" He turned around, facing Jiwon and staring him mockingly in the eyes. Hanbin saw the tear stains on the other's face, letting him look so vulnerable and like a scared kid. "Hanbin." He repeated his name over and over again as they stared intensely at each other, gazes not once leaving the strange battle. "Han-" This time, Jiwon was interrupted as he said his name slowly, full of sincerity and confusion of his own mind. It sounded so sensual, so desperate for an answer that Hanbin couldn't bear it. "What, Jiwon, what do you want?"

The other couldn't contain a growl at the sharp tone of the younger's voice. It was so awfully mocking to him, such an awful reminder of it, but he didn't want to lose control. He needed it, he needed the control to win over the thing that constantly whispered into is ear. _'Why are you alive if you can't even bear a few hits, huh? What are a few scars on a proud body? Endure, endure, endure, endure, endure! Endure or you aren't worth of being-'_ He didn't want to resort to the filthy need that blessed him with the feeling of another kind of control, of the win 6 years ago, over everything that made his cracked mind blow up in cruel desires. So he closed his eyes, not listening to the present Hanbin. The present Hanbin was angry at him, he knew, he knew it the moment he entered and asked him that weird question. Instead, he remembered the Hanbin he first saw - the innocent, beautiful Hanbin that let it all disappear in an instant.

But right now, Hanbin was fuel to his fire. He just needed Hanbin to return to that sweet existence and let him do the magic that helped him.

_Maybe that Hanbin doesn't exist._

The thought shot through his mind, letting him fear more than being mad. _What if he never resurfaces?_

Jiwon closed his eyes, trying to ignore the burning, angry stare of the other. "Hanbin-" Then, the other just screamed. In the back of his mind, Hanbin knew that he wasn't being rational and that he was putting himself in danger. But he couldn't help himself; the thing he worked four years for just vanished fight in front of his eyes, only because he couldn't control his fucking temper in front of a mafia heir. He was practically dead already; it usually took them only a day to find the victim. It usually took _him_ only a day to find the victim. "What, Jiwon, what? Why am I here? Why do you want to see me? Huh? What makes so special that I am requested by a psychopath?" Jiwon whimpered, clenching his hands to suppress his anger. "Tell me!"

The moment Jiwon lost it, Hanbin feared his for life; Jiwon's screams burned in his ears and let him freeze. "Stop it! _Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit!_ I just want you to kill the voices! Just stop them!" Hanbin wanted to shout at him, but he knew he would say too much, too much for the doctors to hear. The fear had cleared some of his mind. So he looked around the room and saw the two security cameras, recognizing them as pretty old models; they wouldn't be able to hear him. So he hurried towards the table, looking beneath it. _One_. Then, he practically ran to the chair. _Two_. Under the bed. _Three_. Let's just hope they weren't so smart and put one behind the light switch.

"Listen to me you fucking asshole! Help me, just help me for god's sake! Make them disappear!" Jiwon still screamed at him. _I'm a dead man anyways, so why not tell a psychopath? Not these doctors, but a psychopath_. He locked the door and turned around to face Jiwon who had completely lost it. _God, I've lost it myself._ Fighting with himself, Hanbin buried his face in his hands. _Why? Why couldn't I just fucking do it right?_ He had one chance and screwed it up. Only because Jiwon had occupied his mind; he was stressed because of the events happening to him, all involving Jiwon. His anger rose again as irrationality took over his body. "Help me, Hanbin!" Jiwon roared and it sounded like a death threat, not like a plea for help. Madness dripped out of his screams and drove Hanbin's scared, angered mind over the edge. "I can't, for fuck's sake! I can't take them away. I can't! I'm not a fucking saviour!"

That's when it happened. The already strained tapes holding back Jiwon ripped, letting him fall towards Hanbin. The latter's eyes widened as he watched Jiwon run towards him, the short distance seeming like a thousand miles and the few seconds appearing like hundreds of minutes. He didn't close his eyes, he wanted Jiwon to remember his stare every time he'd think of this moment - of the moment he killed him.

But that moment never came. Jiwon stopped in front of him, arms still crossed in the straightjacket and his breath flowing heavily through the muzzle, making it seem louder than anything in the silent room. His face was a single threat, teeth bare and eyes burning with anger. Hanbin closed his eyes, overwhelmed by the shock he just suffered. But he fought for his consciousness, not losing the battle and shooting his eyes back open. "Hanbin." He growled again, this time it wasn't a prayer - it had become a command, stern and cold. But the younger shook his head. "Why do you think I could save you? Why do I let those voices disappear, huh?" The snarl on Jiwon's face disappeared and was replaced with a fearing expression; He feared himself as the voice inside him screamed to kill him, to taste his blood and flesh and savor the flavor of victory.

He backed away from the boy he couldn't understand, taking fast steps towards the corner. When he arrived there, he slid on to the ground and cowered towards the wall; small whimpers escaping his lips as he pressed his head towards his chest. Hanbin was frozen on the spot as he watched the psychopath crying in the corner, mumbling messy pleads. Slowly, he took a few steps towards the other, until his words were audible. "I don't want to... No, no flesh.... _He_ is in the past... I am now... I don't want to taste the blood... Nonononononononononononono... Don't," he groaned painfully, not able to hold his head between his hands as they were caught in the straightjacket, "I don't want to murder him, I don't want to eat him... _He_ is dead... I don't want to hurt anybody, please..."

So, that was the real deal: Hanbin used to be a high ranked mafia member; he killed people, he tracked them down and delivered them to his boss knowing he tossed them into a pit of helplessness and death. He did it to pay his debts. And maybe Hanbin wasn't the guy to cry at a sad movie, maybe he wasn't the guy to lean on to somebody or ask for help; maybe he wasn't the nicest person - but he had a soft spot for the weak and vulnerable. It was that faint something of the innocent teenager he used to be and if he ever would've been honest when Kyung had asked him about his feelings, he would've told him that he was scared to lose this part of himself: The boy helping those in real need; the one helping them if he could.

And maybe Jiwon was a psychopath and maybe Hanbin really didn't want to help these doctors and yes, he was scared of him. But right in that moment, all Hanbin could see in Jiwon was a broken man in dire need of something to hold on. And the 19 year old knew he was practically dead, so why not risk it? Jiwon was indeed broken and Hanbin was too, more than he ever liked to admit. So he carefully took the next few steps and crouched in front of Hanbin, noticing the alarming stains of blood coloring his straightjacket.

"I'm not a psychiatrist, but...," Hanbin started, stopping and losing the track of the sentence as he saw that Jiwon didn't respond. He only started to crash his head on the wall, lightly at first and then stronger and stronger with every bump. "Stop Jiwon, stop. Don't do that." Hanbin's voice died down as Jiwon was still caught in trying to control himself. He wanted to give up, but the tears running down Jiwon's cheeks hindered him. _I'm such a softie_. He carefully closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before he gathered the courage to stop Jiwon's head, actually touching his temples gently and running his thumbs across the other's cheeks, wiping away the still flowing tears. "It's okay Jiwon. You won't attack me." That was all he could think of to say, but it seemed to work as Jiwon leaned into his touch, turning his whole body towards him. His eyelids were fluttering as he rested his head in the crook of Hanbin's neck for the second time that day.

"Hey, Jiwon. You're bleeding. I'm going to get a first aid kit... well, maybe a bit more than that. But stay here. Nothing will happen, I promise." Jiwon whimpered again, but this time it was a soft, calm one. Carefully, Hanbin laid the other's head on the ground and hurried towards the nurse office. Not caring to explain, he rushed though the closets and got various ointments and bandages. Then, he ran back to Jiwon's room just to see guards about to open the door. "Don't!" He screamed as quiet as possible and luckily, it reached them as they froze in their movements. "Excuse me, Mister, but we were instructed by Doctor Jung to get Jiwon and fixate him on to the bed again." Hanbin glared at them and pushed them away from the door. "Tell Doctor Jung if he keeps the guards out, I will help him with the whole Jiwon project." The guard just shook head, trying to convince Hanbin to do as he was told. "I don't think you understand the situation right now, Mister. Kim Jiwon is as close to a cruel monster as a human can be. We can't just let him escape. I mean, Mister Kim, you were there that day when Jung was attacked-"

"Really? All I see is a man who is scared and needs physical treatment which he didn't receive after he fell jumped out of the window. He has various cuts which are still bleeding and surprisingly _fresh_ scars. You don't need to tell me where they're coming from. Guards think they can do anything to patients when nobody is looking, mh?" The guards eyes widened in surprise when Hanbin mentioned the scars. "He's still human you dirty excuse of a man. Now go or I'll beat you into a pulp." Hanbin's presence was overpowering and the guard averted his gaze, wearing a guilty expression. Then he stepped aside mumbling a "the first and the last time."

Hanbin entered the room, but not before he forced the man to look him straight in the eyes. "Don't ever call me Mr. Kim again."

When Hanbin closed and locked the door behind him, Jiwon sat on the floor; the wind was blowing into the room from the still broken window. He seemed to have regained some of his consciousness, but fear still lingered in his bloodshot, swollen eyes."Hey, Jiwon. I'm back with medicine. You need to get these cuts treated, am I right?" He spoke so caring that the fear in Jiwon's eyes disappeared, just to be replaced with something soft Hanbin couldn't really decipher. "I'm going to go near you, okay?" Jiwon just slowly nodded, his dark brown eyes following his every step. When finally sat down in front of him, Jiwon still stared at him in a caring manner. Hanbin coughed softly, but Jiwon continued nonetheless. It was a rare moment for Hanbin to be so soft towards someone else, but the other needed help or he'd lose too much blood.

"Jiwon." The other closed his eyes, not answering him and looking like he was in pure bliss. Hanbin didn't know that when he was caring towards the other, the latter's mind was at peace. Without a warning, Hanbin touched Jiwon so he could open the straightjacket and Jiwon flinched. Hanbin froze for a short second until he continued to get rid of the harsh fabric. Just like last time, Jiwon did not wear anything under the jacket. Still surprised at that fact, Hanbin examined Jiwon's upper body for bruises, not being able to suppress a sharp hiss as he discovered fresh cigarette burn at the other's broad shoulder. Jiwon tensed up at the aggressive noise but immediately relaxed again as Hanbin spoke. "Jiwon, did the guards to that do you? Did they burn you with their cigarettes?" Jiwon nodded slowly, staring into Hanbin's eyes as he recalled the memory. He shuddered and closed his eyes as he groaned; the pain had been so bad, so much worse than what they usually did. Hanbin didn't say anything, trying to control his anger. Jiwon wasn't dear to him and he remembered himself doing the same, but Hanbin was in the mafia whilst Jiwon was a patient that needed treatment. Hanbin had noticed that when he acted angry it transferred to Jiwon, stressing him and eventually letting him snap. So he tried to act as collected as possible as he gently applied some ointment on the burning marks, thinking that it was good he grabbed as many containers as possible.

He then moved on to the cuts. Fortunately, only one was deep and didn't even hit anything vital. Hanbin grabbed tweezers and leaned in really close to examine the wounds, he wouldn't want to miss any pieces of glass that would lead to infection. After collecting three bigger ones and five small shards, he grabbed a towel and put some disinfecting alcohol on it to clean the wounds. Jiwon hissed at the pain and leaned forward, grabbing on to Hanbin's arms for comfort. It was a strong grip and Hanbin was pretty sure that'd it leave some bruises, but he just hid the slight pain. He was practically a dead man; a few bruises wouldn't hurt him. He would either be killed by the lackeys of his old boss or by Jiwon if he snapped and he honestly didn't care. Jiwon needed help that was the only thing he focused on.

After he finished cleaning them, he carefully got a container with ointment to help against infections. "It says on there that it also has a cooling effect, so that's nice, isn't it?" Hanbin suddenly had the urge to talk as he treated the last cut on the front which was placed dangerously... low. Right on the inner corner of Jiwon's hip. It was awkward for him and he felt so uncomfortable about touching the other so near at his... thing.

Hanbin quickly finished the spot and the two cuts on the back. He couldn't help but admire Jiwon's strong, broad shoulders and back. His muscles moved gracefully every time Jiwon moved, breathed or flinched because of the pain and for once in a _long_ time, Hanbin blushed. When Jiwon turned around to face Hanbin again, the younger noticed how good looking Jiwon was and as his eyes landed on the other's full lips, reminding him that he never had his first _real_ kiss. Making out with girls he'd pay at the C-shop, but not a kiss with something like feelings involved. He never had an innocent peck and a laugh directed at him that'd make him feel like he was precious.

A pained groan interrupted Hanbin's thoughts and he quickly continued his work, now bandaging Jiwon's upper body and arms. But when he finished, Jiwon groaned again and spoke for the first time since Hanbin had entered the room earlier. "On my thighs... there are cuts on my thighs." Hanbin gulped and nodded, gesturing Jiwon to strip out of his pants so he could treat the wounds. _What am I, thirteen?_

There were three cuts on his legs, probably from when he landed on the glass shards. And Hanbin didn't have any problem with that, really- well, he had a tiny one with the cut on the inner thigh. Like inner _inner_ thigh. He easily could say that he never felt more awkward than during the moment he had to bent down a bit to reach the cut better. _What?_ He needed to properly treat it. The groan that again left Jiwon's mouth as Hanbin carefully patted the disinfecting alcohol on to his thigh didn't really help the situation, if he was being honest. He just hurried to place white, square shaped band aids on the now treated cuts and back away a bit to look at his work.

"Slip in to your pants again. It's cold." He gently instructed Jiwon who did as he was told. But there came up slight tension as they both looked at the straightjacket. "Well," Hanbin shrugged, "I wouldn't like it either. But you still need to be warm." Jiwon looked at him, mesmerized by the now so kind and gentle Hanbin. Suddenly, the said other stripped out of his hoodie (thank god he liked really oversized ones) and carefully pushed it over Jiwon's head, who guided his arms through the sleeves. Well, it barely fit. "Why... Why do you suddenly treat me like that?" Hanbin just shrugged again, not answering the question.

And Jiwon realized that Hanbin was left in a rather tight, white shirt with short sleeves. He noticed the tattoos peeking through the thin fabric, spreading around his shoulders and a short route down his arms, not even reaching his elbows. "What are those?" Hanbin looked uncomfortable, but answered nonetheless. "Reminders of old times. And well, I guess I like how they look." Something soft re-appeared in Jiwon's eyes as he watched the sad expression that formed on Hanbin's face.

Today was special, today Jiwon felt saner than ever before in the last 6 years. So he pulled Hanbin in for a hug, a very intimate not to mention. The younger couldn't do anything about being pulled into the other's lap, head nuzzled into the crook of his neck. "What are you doing?" Hanbin asked gently. "Showing my gratitude and keeping you warm." And Hanbin hugged him back, enjoying Jiwon's warmth more than he'd ever admit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's ignore how unrealistic this is and just enjoy fluff


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cue the dark past and High School girl Hanbin

The gentle breathing hit his neck pleasantly, spreading warmth throughout his whole body.

And his soft hair rested his face in, smelling like cold smoke and a faint hint of wood; he took it in with deep breaths, needing to remember the scent.  
The smaller body that fell asleep after some time rested in his lap; released from any tension and curled up right by his side. He carefully tightened his grip around him, placidly pulling him even closer and moving his nose along the lines of his shoulders. "Hanbin," he breathed carefully, not wanting to wake the other. Then, he buried his face in the side of the other's neck while whispering endearments to the boy who he longed to know. “Who are you?”

_"Good morning, Bobby." He turned around with a frown on his face as his father called him. He wasn't close with him, not at all. The chairman of Agma* Corporations was a stern man who didn't show any emotions to anybody and had lately been involved with the mafia, completely against the will of Jiwon and the other members of the family. "Good morning, father. Do you need me for anything?" He hid the scowl on his face and bowed, knowing he wouldn't get on the good sides of his father when he displeased him. At the same time, he knew he wouldn't be on the good side either way. His creator was young; he had yet to reach his 40th birthday and was a merciless man. And Jiwon was the second son – an unwanted child. He had an heir already, so why bother with a second kid?_

_But there still was the spot of the CEO which would be left empty after Gotong – Jiwon's older brother of three years, first son and heir of the company – would take over the business in seven years, so Jiwon wasn't a complete waste of time. "A bothering one, but not a waste" as his father would say. Said man scoffed at Jiwon's response, seemingly displeased with the answer. "I don't need you, scum. You are a substitute to my errand boy today, so go to this address and tell a man named Min that we are accepting the deal. The money will be delivered in the span of a week." Jiwon couldn't suppress his eyes twitching at his father's words, but bowed again anyway. "Understood, father." His father turned around for one last time before he went out of the meeting room. "Don't call me that when we're in private."_

_The streets were crowed as the soon-to-be sixteen years old was driven to the designated address. He was dressed in formal attire which he hated – as any person his age would. The black tie was uncomfortable and he didn't like the feeling of something around his neck, it felt like what happened during the dark nights. He hid himself in the big coat and he still did when he stepped out of the car, cold air hitting his face like needles. Remembering who he was supposed to be, he raised his head further and walked proudly into the shop called Min's Grocery Store. A few old dames were being served by a young, good looking man who smiled gently at them, though something in his eyes froze as he saw Jiwon. The latter stayed until the ladies left and it only was the two of them alone in the shop. "Why are you here, you brat?" the older hissed. Jiwon only returned his cold stare, he despised people involved in the mafia a lot._

_"Business," he answered with a cold tone in his voice, immediately despising the man, "I'm from Agma Corporations." The other man's eyes widened as he quickly shooed him into the space behind the counter. A small room was revealed, without any furniture except a desk, overflowing with paperwork, in the corner. "I told your boss that those affairs are discussed during the night!" Jiwon ignored the man from whom he thought was Min. "The chairman accepts the deal and will sent you the money shortly." Sighing, Min rubbed his temples. "How long?" Jiwon simply shrugged as answer while adding a short "within a week probably?". Another sigh emitted from the other's lips as he mustered the boy in front of him. "Why are you even in this business? What are you, three?" Jiwon smiled sweetly, hiding his anger behind the expression. It's not like he ever choose to do this bullshit. "Three and a half, to be exact."_

_A short snort came from Min as he guided Jiwon out of the small room. The bell signalized that somebody entered the room, and the shop owner's "Good morning, how can I help-"was stuck in his throat as he saw who had entered. Jiwon just walked by the boy, maybe two years younger than him and holding a tired look in his eyes. He turned his head turned slightly as he took in the undeniable beauty of the boy, but let it immediately snap back. "Please, Mr. Min! Help me find her! And stop delivering to them..." A grunt emitted from Min as he answered. "No. You aren't able to pay me with your parents being in debt like that. They gave her away for a reason. But yeah, I'll stop selling stuff to them which doesn't mean that they'll stop though." Jiwon wanted to turn around and ask if he could help, but his phone rang; it showed a certain caller ID. "Kim Jiwon, Bonjour. Ah, monsieur Bernard! C'est parfait que vous m'appeler maintenant. Non, non, j'ai beaucoup de temps pour vous. C'est un honneur que vous avez demande à parler avec moi et..." He continued to answer all of Mr. Bernard's question until he arrived at their mansion. "Oui, nous devons aller manger quelque chose. À bientôt!" He sighed before he exited the car, walking towards the big entrance. Right after he entered and yawned, a deep voice greeted him. He jumped at it and stared at the one he feared the most._

_"Welcome back home, Jiwon-"_

Screaming, he woke up. Jiwon suddenly felt cold and saw that Hanbin had left, but not before carefully leaning Jiwon against the bed and laying a blanket over him. Jiwon cowered into a ball, closing his eyes and burying his face into the soft fabric of Hanbin's sweater, taking in his scent. He would wait for the other to return, resisting his demons and letting himself be tied up by the guards. Jiwon hoped they would keep it at the insults, but he could already feel his mind being fogged by the abusing thoughts – one hope dragged down by doubts.

Hanbin would return, right?

[-]

Hanbin woke up in his small apartment he rented with the money he secretly had put aside for months, the sun shining brightly in his face. He had come home late yesterday as he went out to drink a bit, celebrating his last day on earth - okay, maybe he was being a bit dramatic, but it was only a question of time until they would find him. And it wasn't like he could run either; he wouldn't leave Korea and the possibility to find his sister like that. Therefore, he had to stay and finish his social work if he wanted to live secretly and not be chased by the police too. Hanbin sighed heavily and continued to stare at the ceiling until he figured he needed to go to work, so he took a shower against his hangover and quickly ate something, leaving the house in a long sleeved V-neck and tight jeans.

He arrived barely on time, but he couldn’t care less. He played with the idea of searching Sungdo and at least beat him up once, but eventually decided against it. "Morning, Miss Soonji. What do I have to do today?" She smiled sweetly at him like she always did, a bit taken aback when Hanbin actually returned it. It quickly faded though as she answered. “You're scheduled for a short meeting with Doctor Jung and then you can spend the time with Jiwon. Oh, and the lawn needs to be cut today.” He nodded with a frown in his face, making his way to Doctor Jung’s office. On his way, he met Sungdo.

Well, Sungdo bumped into him. “How dare you-“The other went pale as he saw who he ran into. “Hanbin…” The other scowled, annoyed that he had to look at the face he wanted to see the least at the moment. He angrily glared the other while he huffed in annoyance.”Sungdo. Did you already call your daddy and told him someone bullied his little baby, hm?” The latter gritted his teeth, but answered nonetheless. He wanted to retain his pride and handle this himself – as the heir of the powerful Kung family. “No. And I don’t plan on doing so.” Hanbin snorted angrily, he didn’t have the nerve to be looked down on by a stupid rich boy. “Don’t fuck with me-“

“No, I’m telling you the truth!” He only received another sharp glare. “Why would you?” The other went red and before he could answer, Hanbin was called by Doctor Jung. He just rushed off, not even thinking of letting the boy speak. “I don’t know…”

Shortly after, he sat in Doctor Jung’s office. Again. How many times had he been in here the last few days? Too many times for Hanbin’s taste. “Mr.Hanbin, the world is a nasty place. And this guy is a bloody psychopath, a nightmare, but for whatever reason; he is drawn to you. Well, maybe because you are something new in his environment.” Hanbin nodded slowly, definitely not liking the excitement in the doctor’s voice. A slight smile appeared on his lips as he thought about it: The world sure was a nasty, filthy place. And Jiwon… Suddenly, he remembered yesterday’s promise of helping out in the ‘Jiwon project’. He hissed slightly at his own stupidity. How did he even survive 4 years in the mafia? And what if Sungdo told the truth? Memories of the previous day suddenly flooded back to Hanbin, how he treated Jiwon and the latter hugged him. And Hanbin had scooted closer to him. They had been in such an intimate one even! Embarrassment washed over the 19 year old as he remembered how content he had felt in the hug and just how warm Jiwon had been. Not to mention his scent… “… And so, I want you to be something like a personal nurse to him. Today we want to try letting work out with you, so you better hurry.” Doctor Jung finished his sentence and Hanbin nodded, not being able to suppress a sigh. “How are you completely sure that he won’t kill me?” Doctor Jung laughed like he heard a joke from a 5 year old. “Just do what you did yesterday. Hanbin frowned as he thought about Jiwon’s burn marks. “Doctor Jung, what’s with your guards?”

“What do you mean?” The smile on Doctor Jung’s face froze as the guards like he already knew. “Your guards are abusing Kim Jiwon. He had burning marks that clearly were made by cigarettes on his shoulder and bruises on his body. What’s that about?” Another fake laugh that let Habin’s blood boil as he rose from his chair and walked around the desk to directly lean down at Doctor Jung. “You know exactly what I mean. Stop those guards or I’ll do.” Intimidated, the older rolled back a bit and swallowed heavily. “Our guards don’t do something like that-“Hanbin followed him and the scowl on his face meant serious business. “I won’t accept people hurting and even abusing a patient that clearly needs help. He didn’t even receive treatment after yesterday’s accident, as well as not even being provided a shirt under the rough straightjacket. If I see Mr. Jiwon or any other patient in such conditions, I won’t stand there and do nothing. You don’t need to be a psychopath to hurt people, keep that in mind and your guards on a leash.” With those words, he left the room and made his way to Jiwon’s room. _What the hell am I doing?_

[-]

_“Let go of me!” He screamed as they held him down, their firm grip letting him whine in pain. “Don’t cry like that, you sick monster!” The guard grabbed his hair and pushed his head harshly against the bed pole, again and again and again. Jiwon now suppressed all the screams, not wanting to give him the pleasure of admitting the pain. ‘What? Can’t endure it?’ He hissed, trying to hunt the voice in his head; he didn’t want to lose control again like last time. Not again. Seeing that Jiwon didn’t respond, the guard started another row of insults, just to pull at the other’s head again. “Remove the tapes.” The others who had been just holding the other gasped, staring at the other in shock. “What are you waiting for?” He screamed at them, throwing one punch after another at Jiwon’s stomach who groaned in pain. “H-hey, you know what happened to Jung the last time this guy was not fixated…”_

_“So what? They weren’t handling this monster the right way and he wasn’t wearing a fucking muzzle. Nothing can happen!” He laughed angrily, grabbing Jiwon forcefully be his jaw. “This guy doesn’t even fight back; he is so so so scared of himself, right?” ‘Kill! Sink your teeth in that flesh, come on, you need it, don’t you? Remind yourself of your victory over me! Or did you not win over me, you filthy weakling-‘ While the other guards started to open the tapes, the particular guard grabbed his shoulder; right where he had placed his cigarette last time. Jiwon breathed out loudly, clenching his teeth to not give in to his needs; to scream and to kill. But no matter how much he fought the voice, his eyes gave him away; burning mercilessly into the guard’s ones, threatening to torture him, to kill him, to eat him tokillhimtotorturehimtorturetorturekillkillkillkilldevourkilldevourkillanddevour._

_The guard only digged his fingers deeper into the wounds. “Not with me, you insane monster.” Jiwon felt his face go numb as the guard ripped away his muzzle and punched him right into the face – the other people in the room backed away as Jiwon only wore his straightjacket to their protection. “Are you fucking crazy? You can’t just fucking rip away the muzzle of a cannibalistic psychopath! ” The guard growled, his eyes trained on Jiwon as he barked his answer. “I just did. This motherfucker needs proper sense beaten into him.” Jiwon didn’t bother to turn his head into the guards direction as he hit him again, this time directed at his chest. He coughed and seemed to realize that there weren’t any strong tapes to hold him back anymore; nothing that helped him keep the voice under control, It screeched in his head, screaming and commanding him to kill kill kill kill kill kill kill-_

_He rose from the bed and jumped to furiously attack the guard, split his head in to and taste his flesh – savor the victory! Devour him, let him feel the pain and regret, end his life – wrap his hands around his neck and press! Press! He tackled him down to the ground, ready to let his teeth break through his skin – and then, he felt cold metal pressed against his forehead. “Don’t you dare, scumbag.” The guard whispered, face frozen in shock and anger. Sweat ran down his face as he groaned through his teeth, Jiwon’s grip hurting him severely and reminding him of the strength the other had. Fear replaced anger as Jiwon grinned at him, the madness taking control of the man and his mind. “Then…,” he chuckled lowly, not blinking or breaking off the stare between them,” do you? I think that’s the real question here, because…” He broke off, actually pressing his head against the gun and pushing it further down until the guard was shaking while trying to compete against Jiwon’s force. “Mister guard, I’m not the one who’s afraid of death.”_

_Another laugh slid through Jiwon’s lips as he continued to mockingly speak. “Come on, pull the trigger. Become the hero, kill the monster. Kill the monster, become the monster. You can choose...But I actually prefer,” he bared his teeth at him while he spoke louder,” the version with you being the monster all along.” One second before the guard was ready to pull the trigger, Jiwon was pulled away by the other men, throwing him forcefully towards the window. He tripped towards it, his eyes landing on something outside. “What the fuck, Joon? You had a fucking gun with you?” The voices faded into the background, Jiwon didn’t hear what the guard answered or what the others told him. He could only focus his entire being on one thing, on one person. He stood in the garden, standing close to another man and whispering something into his ear. Fear rose inside him, fear that the man would do something to him and so the scream poured out of him._

_“Don’t touch him!” Hanbi-_

Hanbin had entered the room minutes ago and sat down on the chair to look at Jiwon. He was tied to the bed again and sleeping. It seemed like he was having a nightmare, the way his face deformed into a frown while he whimpered, the sweat rolling down his temples along his prominent jaw line. “Kill… not afraid of death… no… go, go, go, no, I don’t want to… gun… Hanbin …!” He muttered in his sleep, groaning like he was in pain. Not wanting to wake the other, Hanbin leaned over to the other to check if he was having a fever or something, but he didn’t. He frowned as his eyes focused on the big mask covering the lower half of the psycho’s face. Carefully, the younger removed the muzzle Jiwon was forced to wear, revealing the bruise that had formed since yesterday. But before he could inspect it any further, Jiwon threw his head into his direction, still sleeping and muttering to himself. Hanbin’s eyes rested on the other’s face, falling in to deep thought. Should he help this man, even he didn’t exactly know how? Was it worth it?

It had been a long time since Hanbin had to think about helping someone, he usually did the opposite. Not to mention that he showed Jiwon his… his _strange_ side. But he had to admit, he felt so secure and comforted when the other had embraced him; but he would never say how much he actually had needed it. Especially in the night after the gun shots had echoed through the head quarters, still ringing in his ears days and weeks after the incidents. They say it’d get easier with time and he had hoped it’d be true – it wasn’t. Instead, he had become an angry person. Angry at his parents, angry at the boss and angry at himself for sinking so low in the first place.

He didn’t notice how he started to run his hands through the other’s hair, actually allowing himself to let affection happen – even if it was for his own comfort’s sake. It was de facto quite calming and Hanbin found himself staring at the other, deep in thought and studying Jiwon’s face. “What should I do, mh? Enjoy letting my soft, stupid cuddle side open up to you?” He sighed; he had no idea. Hanbin only let his eyes travel along the face of the other again, taking in the nice side: He had strong, manly features and a gaze that always seemed to pull Hanbin into them. Not to mention his full lips that looked incredibly soft; Hanbin had to suppress the urge to let his thumb slide across them, but shuddered when he thought about how they had human blood on them. “Just what happened to you, Kim Jiwon?” Hanbin leaned back and continued to watch the older as the question swirled in his mind, not able to let it go until the other woke up, yelling something about losing something.-

“Hanbin!” His eyes wandered around the room like a hunted deer, his heart still beating fast from the old and the fresh memories. And he could feel them, the tears, welling up in his eyes. He didn’t want to do what he was doing; he never wanted all of this to happen. Not the events 6 years ago and biting that man named Jung either; he just felt so _scared._

His eyes landed on the person sitting on the chair next to him, holding the muzzle Jiwon was sure the guards had put on him earlier. Hanbin. “Hey, Jiwon.” His breath still ragging, the older stared at the boy sitting in front of him and then at the tapes securing him to the bed. When his eyes landed on the other again, how he suddenly looked so innocently at him and got up to detach the tapes, Jiwon had tears rolling down his cheeks. The younger noticed and put his hand on Jiwon’s face, sliding his fingers slightly across the bruise and wiping away his tears. “Hey, calm down. It was just a nightmare, shh...” Jiwon closed his eyes and leaned into the touch, his body going limb and focusing solely on the feeling of Hanbin’s delicate fingers on his skin.

They stayed like that for a few minutes, until Jiwon opened his eyes again to look at Hanbin who didn’t say a word to the other, returning the soft gaze. He only slipped his hand away as Jiwon turned his head so that his lips ghosted over the other’s skin, hot breath hitting his hand at letting him feel shy. He coughed at the –you could almost say puppy like – glance Jiwon gave the other, totally confused as to why he retreated from his touch. “Uhm… so, I- I was told you like working out and so I thought we could go to the ridiculous huge fitness room I had to clean the other day. Like nobody’s in there and you could work out in peace. S-should we get you some things to change into? Where are your clothes?”

Jiwon got up and gave Hanbin another confused look when he took a step, but left it without a comment. It was almost strange how drastically Jiwon changed around him, Hanbin thought. “My stuff his kept in another room.” Hanbin nodded absentmindedly as he suddenly felt strong arms wrapping tightly around him and big hands grabbing his waist and shoulders in a strong grip without actually hurting him. He felt the tip of the other’s nose tracing the lines of his neck, calm breath rasping in his near his ear and a content sigh leaving the other’s lips. “Hanbin, don’t withdraw from me, please. I don’t like it.”

And again, Hanbin blushed because of Jiwon, but this time he was getting ridiculously red. His heart beat out of his chest as he stammered incomprehensive pieces of a reply, trying to wiggle his way out of the embrace. It only led to Jiwon pressing his face into Hanbin’s shoulder, running his hands in an almost possessive manner along his back while reaching dangerously low. “H-How, I-I-I mean you said you don’t like being touched by strangers, s-so why-“Jiwon interrupted him, growling lowly into his shoulder. It sounded like he was happy rather than wanting to threat Hanbin. Then, he slightly lifted his head and moved close to the other’s neck, this time pressing the bridge of his nose against it.

_His lips are so close to my neck what the hell so close so close what is happening what am I a schoolgirl what the hell why is my heart fluttering-_ Him actually wearing a girl’s school uniform shot through his head along with the other million thoughts. But his mind was completely focused on the other when Jiwon started to speak. “You’re Hanbin, not a stranger. Hanbin. _Hanbin_.” He mumbled Hanbin’s name a few more times which let goose bumps creep up the other’s body, just to suddenly let go and walk towards the door. “Let’s get the stuff and head to that fitness room, shall we?”

They actually walked to the reception (Hanbin didn’t say a word the whole time) where Soonji was seated, currently going over a patient’s papers. When she heard Hanbin’s voice requesting the key to Jiwon’s original room and access to the workout room, she looked up smiling. Her smile fell as she saw who stood close to Hanbin (and she meant _close_ ), looking at here like he was a completely normal person. “Wha- Ho- Jiw- Hanbin!” He grinned at her stuttering, but knew that he probably would’ve reacted the same way if he had seen a cannibalistic psycho kept in a room for the last four years walk around like that. “Like I said, we need the key to his original room. Would you be so sweet and give it to me?” She let her gaze slide towards Hanbin who seemed different from the usually moody (though always respectful towards her) guy who threatened staff coming too close to him.

“Y-yeah. Here. Be careful and don’t overwork yourselves.” She leaned closer to Hanbin who understood the hint and also leaned over the counter. “I’ll send out all the people currently working out. It’s a miracle that you got him to walk around like normal, but I don’t think he’s ready for that. Luckily, there aren’t a lot of people in the halls around this time.” Hanbin nodded and whispered something into her ear. “I understand, thanks. And tell Doctor Jung that I need to talk. I’ll pass you the things I wrote down yesterday too, you’re trustworthy – I hope.” She nodded and gave him a smile which he returned.

Soonji jumped when she looked at Jiwon and he furiously glared at her. Confused (and intimidated as well), her gaze shifted back to Hanbin. When she saw Jiwon’s arm around his shoulders, his hand grabbing the fabric of his shirt and his glare again, she understood and couldn’t contain a (fangirl) grin. She wiggled her eyebrows at Hanbin who looked at her with a confused expression while this time, Jiwon actually growled. “Have fun in the empty workout room. Here is the key to Jiwon’s room.”

10 minutes later, Hanbin leaned at the door frame of Jiwon’s room while he waited for Jiwon to get changed. If he was being honest, he really enjoyed letting go of things like that. He had been tense – about running away, about staying low and not let his anger get the best out of him. Being with Jiwon who seemed to like skin ship a lot (and Hanbin enjoyed it, the last time he had been hugged was ages ago, he wasn’t sure if he really remembered it) made him feel relaxed, even if he was aware that the other could snap with the tiniest mistake in Hanbin’s behavior. Just when the door to Jiwon’s bathroom opened and Hanbin turned around to tell him to hurry, the door behind him was shut close and suddenly, Jiwon was near him.

Like _really_ near.

And shirtless.

And he fucking pressed his body close to Hanbin’s leaving minimal space between them. “What are you doing?” Surprisingly, Hanbin didn’t feel as nervous as before. Maybe because there was rage in Jiwon’s eyes, letting him feel more provoked than intimidated. Just when he thought that he could relax… “Being close to you.” When his eyes finally met Hanbin’s questioning ones, he sighed. The tension didn’t leave him though as his muscles still flexed and he grunted when Hanbin squinted at him. Hanbin was playing with the fire and he knew that. “I don’t like how close that nurse was to you.” Jiwon leaned forward, whispering lowly into the younger’s ear. His hands which had caged the other against the wall now started to run up and down Hanbin’s clothed arms. “I don’t like it-“ Jiwon flinched as Hanbin freed himself out of the cage made by arms by actually touching Jiwon’s naked shoulders. “Calm down. Don’t get angry over something like that, okay? I’m not going to betray my new friend.” Jiwon’s snarl was stuck in his throat as Hanbin smiled reassuringly, just to slip by him and tell him to wear a shirt and follow him outside. Jiwon looked at his hands, laying them on his own shoulders and thinking to himself that it’s been a long time since he had been angry

_without the voice._

[-]

When the two of them entered the workout room, Kung Sungdo left as the last one. His eyes were glued to Jiwon when they walked by, recognizing him as the one who jumped out of the window. He quickly walked away, not wanting to be noticed.

But Jiwon didn’t see it as he was busy staring at Hanbin who had lent some clothes suited for working out. It was just that the pants were a bit tight around the rear end- To put it bluntly, Jiwon was staring at Hanbin’s ass, barely suppressing the urge to touch it. _Well, it’s Hanbin._

When Hanbin picked up some free weights, Jiwon looked away (okay, he was maybe stealing one or two glances) to keep himself from actually- Hanbin turned around and looked at him competitively, letting Jiwon raise an eyebrow. “Let’s make a bet. The one’s who lasts longer gets an award he can determine.” Jiwon nodded and immediately walked to the treadmill.

But soon, Hanbin had to give up and Jiwon (who secretly worked off his jealousy and his tension from hearing Hanbin pant) was still going at it, so he watched him. He watched him as he did a hideous amount of pushups and other activities, watched him as he stripped out of his shirt – once again exposing his upper body. To say that Hanbin was fascinated was an understatement – he was completely drawn in to the way Jiwon’s muscles moved gracefully under his skin and the way they tightly rippled as he pushed the weights up.

After a long time, Jiwon was finished; sweat running down his body as he walked towards Hanbin and plopped down next to him. “Hey-!”Hanbin protested as Jiwon pulled him onto his lap, letting them sit face to face; Hanbin’s legs layed side to side with Jiwon’s. The younger felt embarrassed as he felt like his manliness was being robbed from him. _I’m sitting like I’m a girl or we’re lo-_ “It’s part of my award.” Hanbin looked away and huffed, trying to hide his embarrassment, but curiosity got the best of him. “What is the other part?” Jiwon leaned in closer, laying his right hand at the side of Hanbin’s face while he wrapped the other around his waist, pulling him closer. He gently pulled Hanbin’s head down to his shoulder, gesturing the other to lean against it. Hanbin did as he was told, sliding into a position where he could hug the other while burying his face into Jiwon’s naked shoulder. “Hanbin, I want you to talk about yourself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fave quote: _"What am I doing?"_


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cringe-worthy scenes plus fluff  
> and the dumb slip  
> and angst(?)

After one hour of heavy workout, Jiwon grabbed a towel and made his way to Hanbin, still panting heavily from the activity. Sweat ran down his exposed torso and the now moist band aids which he wiped away before plopping down next to Hanbin, wordlessly staring at the ground before swiftly pulling the other onto his lap. It was an intimate pose, Hanbin’s legs spread and laying next to Jiwon’s ones; Hanbin immediately tried wiggling his way out of it, he felt like his manliness was robbed from him. _I mean… it surely looks girly and strange and we’re so close_ \- The younger felt flustered as Jiwon’s intense gaze kept being directed at his face, mustering his features with big eyes. “Uhm… Jiwon-“ The other shushed him, running his big hands along the other’s sides before laying them on his hips. “This is part of my award.”

There was an undeniable possessiveness in Jiwon’s actions that Hanbin wasn’t sure he liked. He _sure did_ enjoy the cuddling, but there were more than enough problems with his temper that would cross with someone acting like Hanbin was something someone could own. Commitment to someone else was a problem. His limited time here was a problem. His past was a problem. His temper was a problem. His willingness towards violence was a problem. The fact that he fucking killed people was a problem. Jiwon’s mental issues were a problem; it was only a matter of time until one of them snapped, most likely Hanbin.

_Hanbin._  
Hanbin himself was a problem.

The feeling of a big hand cupping his face ripped him away from his thoughts. “And what’s the other part?” Hanbin was still in a kind of daze, his foggy eyes met with Jiwon’s determined ones as a frown spread on the older’s face. Jiwon carefully pushed the other’s head down on to his shoulder, gesturing him to lean against it. And Hanbin did, shifting his position to bury his face in the hot skin, sighing tiredly. They were so close that he could Jiwon’s heart beating in a slightly faster pace, making him smile a bit. “Hanbin,” the other whispered quietly, knowing he was asking about a critical topic,” I want you to tell me about yourself.”  
Jiwon did know that Hanbin would not exactly react happy about the question, but the way he hurried to get out of his lap, silently staring at the floor before glaring intensely at Jiwon while hissing was also not what he thought would happen. The aggressive behavior triggered something inside him, making him tense up in a bad way. “I told you that this is not going to happen, no. Don’t ask. _Just don’t._ ” Frustration built up in Hanbin as he walked around, Jiwon’s question had added the final blow to his worries. His heart tightened in his chest as a suffocating feeling made its way down his throat, spreading through his whole body. He didn’t want his friend to know about his past, he didn’t want anyone to know. The younger didn’t notice how his behaviour made the other nervous, how his huffs and annoyed hisses always let Jiwon flinch a bit.

“Hanbin-“ The said man screamed and stomped his foot on the ground as his name was mentioned. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear your voice right now, neither do I want to see you. Just… fuck off!” The last thing Hanbin heard was a growl before he was cornered by Jiwon, a mad stare drilling in to his soul. He swiftly moved out before Jiwon could pin him against one of the walls, walking towards the big glass front to look down on to the court which was combined with the institute’s driveway. Hanbin knew he had to calm down, for the sake of both of them; for the sake of not breaking down. But as he saw an expensive looking car pull into the cobblestone covered place and watched a person he knew way too well get out of it, he felt the panic take over. “Fuck!” he cursed as he observed the Kung Family’s leader, Sungdo’s father, walk towards his son who had been awaiting him. “Jiwon, we have to-“

He turned around just to look into the older’s face, silently cursing himself for his reckless behaviour. _But what was he supposed to do? He didn’t want to c_ \- The madness that swirled in Jiwon’s eyes was almost overwhelming, but next to the furious anger was a tiny bit of fear - the fear of losing control. “Listen, Jiwon, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have reacted like that and I-“ The sudden grip around his hips hurt him and Jiwon’s lips near his neck weren’t exactly calming either; memories flooded back into Hanbin’s head, Jiwon’s blood covered face and-

But instead of sinking his teeth into his skin, Jiwon’s plump lips collided with the other’s soft neck. A growl, no, a mix between a grunt and a whine vibrated against Hanbin, confusing the younger who was sporting bright red cheeks despite his anger and panic. “Hanbin, respond, please” he whispered as he continued to kiss the other’s neck, now and then flinching and grabbing Hanbin’s hips harder. A pained groan escaped Hanbin’s lips at the way too strong grip, but he shocked man didn’t understand what Jiwon wanted him to do. _Why react, what does he mean and why-_ “I don’t want to attack you, so please-“ Hanbin understood, moved his head to give Jiwon better access and ran his hands on the other’s defined chest. He was definitely embarrassed by these actions, but it seemed like it calmed the other – choosing between being bitten by a psychopath and touching him in a ‘romantic way’ was, well, not exactly a hard one to decide on.

Maybe it needed a bit time to think over (which Hanbin didn’t have), so he just followed the other. The psycho would know what he was doing, right? _Ha ha… Fuck._

Hanbin’s eyes travelled to the place he was actually touching, noticing how red stained the band aids on Jiwon’s torso. _I’m so stupid, why would I let an injured person work out…_ Goose bumps crept over Hanbin’s skin as Jiwon kissed his sweet spot, making him flinch slightly and raising the need to make a noise (which he didn’t want, he would never in his life moan because of-). Just when he was about to lose the control over his voice, Jiwon pulled away and watched the floor, knowing he shouldn’t look at a (‘slightly’) panting Hanbin. His voice was a bit rough as he spoke. “It’s… I’m under control.” Hanbin sighed, running his hand through his hair and secretly glancing over his shoulder to observe what was going on the court. He suppressed the urge to curse and gently grabbed Jiwon’s wrist, slowly pulling him with him. “Get your shirt. We need to treat your wounds. I was reckless to forget your injuries like that just because I was flus-“ He coughed to interrupt his own sentence, embarrassed by what he was about to say. “Anyways, let’s go shower and treat your wounds.”  
Jiwon didn’t respond and Hanbin was too ashamed to continue talking, so their walk to Jiwon’s original room was silent. When they arrived and closed the door behind them, Hanbin noticed how he still held Jiwon’s wrist. He coughed and let go, mumbling how he was going to get the ointments and fresh band aids. Before he could exit the through the door, Jiwon gently laid his hand on the other’s shoulder who turned around to face the other at the touch. “I’m sorry about earlier, I shouldn’t have-“ Hanbin shook his head to silence the other. “It was my fault. You mind isn’t healthy and hopefully on a way to recovery; I knew that and behaved that way despite knowing it’d put you into a stressful situation. Nothing happened, right? You managed to resist, that’s the important part. And about myself…” Hanbin stopped and looked away, quickly speaking before Jiwon could pull him back to look at him. “Jiwon, I shouldn’t be around you at all. Maybe I was a kind of normal somebody once in my life, but that changed-“ Jiwon gently pushed his Hanbin to face him, taking a step closer to him. But before he could say a word, Hanbin looked him in the eyes and told him the truth. “I’m filthy.”

He slipped out of Jiwon’s embrace and left through the door, but not before whispering a quiet “I’ll be back in a few minutes, don’t leave this room”.

[-]

Hanbin couldn’t suppress a frustrated sigh as he was about to turn around the corner – he had to walk through the foyer to actually get to the nurse’s office and get the stuff – and saw Sungdo talking to the Kung family’s head, Kung Jaeseok. A row of profanities quietly shot out of Hanbin’s mouth as he pulled back, well aware of the fact that Jaeseok shouldn’t see him. They’ve had met a few times for business and Jaeseok would let Boss greet him every time they talked as he was fond of the young, hard working man – well, not so much anymore.  
Sungdo was surprised when he saw Kim Hanbin over the shoulder of his father, aggressively waving him over; only him. “Excuse me father, I need to get to a quick check up, why don’t you already go to the café and drink some of their coffee? It’s amazing.” His father nodded and gave him a small smile. “Sungdo, I believe you can get your anger issues under control and take over the family’s head spot one day. I know you can do it.” Sungdo returned the small smile, the “But I don’t want to, I want to become a professional fighter” not getting past his lips.

He nodded towards his father’s bodyguards and walked to where he last saw Hanbin. Just when he had turned around the corner, he was quickly pulled and slammed against the wall, a pair of hands grabbing his collar in a tight, tight grip. “You fucking called your father?” The anger in Hanbin’s eyes was undeniable and stirred something in Sungdo who grabbed Hanbin’s collar as well. “I didn’t, he just pays me his monthly visit, Kim Hanbin. He wouldn’t waste his time on a measly assistant of the Park gang.” Hanbin knew he wasn’t just an assistant and Sungdo knew that as well. Fuck, Hanbin had been in the heir position – and ran away from all of that. But Hanbin just raised his eyebrows in a mocking way, hissing his threats through his teeth. “Oh, that measly assistant might as well kill you.”

Sungdo wanted to reply, hiding his fear behind a cocky answer; but he couldn’t as he suddenly stopped breathing. Hanbin bared his teeth while he choked the other, a merciless grip that wouldn’t give up, not now. “So if you didn’t call him to hand me over, don’t lose a single word about me, even if he asks you about me. But he won’t, because you didn’t tell him, right?” Hanbin squinted at Sungdo who desperately tried to loosen the other’s grip. His face already went red as his veins started to stand out, ugly noises escaping his lips while he stared with big eyes at the other. He may has been trained to fight from when he was small, but he never actually got to use it against somebody else than unskilled high school students. He never was really threatened as he usually was surrounded by bodyguards. He never had felt so scared. “Understood?” Sungdo hurried to nod, gasping for air when Hanbin finally loosened his grip. He was still panting when he whispered the few words. “Meet me tomorrow in the bar near your apartment. Wear formal attire.”

Hanbin only huffed mockingly. “Maybe. And cover the marks. When somebody asks, you don’t answer.” Hanbin’s grin let goose bumps creep over Sungdo’s skin as the other’s eyes gave him one last, cold glance before he walked away.

“Hey, Hanbin. What do you need?” Soonji gave the frowning Hanbin a big smile that immediately softened his expression. “I need band aids and stuff to clean Jiwon’s wounds.” Again, Soonji had the same grin plastered over her face as earlier as she rose from her chair to get him the ointments and bandages. “Why do you grin like that when I mention Jiwon? Do you have a crush on him?” Soonji choked on air after she finally registered what Hanbin had said, before she broke into loud laughter. She actually had to wipe tears from her eyes until it died down, leaving a confused Hanbin in front of her. “Well, he’s not exactly bad looking, even extremely handsome if I say so, but Jiwon is… not exactly straight.” The confused look didn’t leave Hanbin’s face as she handed him the medical containers. It took him exactly 15 seconds to get what Soonji had just said to him, letting his eyes bulge out of his head. “S-s-so y-you mean that when w-we c-c-c-cuddle- I mean that Jiwon i-is a-a-actually g-g-g-g-g- I want to say g-g-g-g-“ She interrupted him, not able to contain a chuckle at the tomato-red Hanbin. “Yes, Hanbin. Jiwon is gay as hell.” Hanbin’s hand collided with the desk in front of him as Soonji’s words left her mouth, shocked at both the statement and the way Soonji had put it. “H-how do you kn-know?”

This time, it was Soonji who had her jaw drop to the ground. “Are you seriously asking me this right now?” Hanbin just stared back at her, slowly growing frustrated with all the strange sexuality questions. But Soonji only shook her head in disbelief. “ _How can he…?_ Anyways, you’ll find out soon enough. Just come back for _the talk_ before it’s the time, okay? We don’t want you to go through an experience that painful and embarrassing to treat. “

“What the hell are you talking about?” Hanbin was even more confused, but could only slightly protest when Soonji gently pushed him out of the door. “Hurry, Jiwon’s waiting, right?” Hanbin nodded like he had just been hit with a stone, almost running to Jiwon’s room. The other must have been already finished with his shower and he didn’t want him to keep waiting. When he entered the other’s room, he saw Jiwon sitting on his bed; still not showered and in an obviously bad mood. Hanbin remembered his words and stopped his steps, silently standing and waiting until Jiwon would acknowledge his presence. He did, but only in form of lifting his head and staring sadly at the other who had to sigh at the sight. “You haven’t showered? Come on, you should get clean.”

He now stood in front of him, actually cupping the other’s face with his hand and running his thumb across Jiwon’s cheeks. The other leaned into the touch again, closing his eyes and rising to stand in front of the other. “I don’t have the energy to do anything” he mumbled against the hand, placing small kisses on it. Hanbin remembered Soonji’s words and got embarrassed, but knowing it’d hurt the other he didn’t pull away, but instead grabbed his wrist with his other hand to pull him to the bathroom door. “Leave on your boxers or I’ll kill you.” Jiwon seemed to understand as he got out of his shirt and sweatpants, entering the shower in his boxers. The other grabbed a bottle of shampoo and body wash and started to adjust the heat of the water that would rain down Jiwon, but he figured that he would need to enter the shower too. So he stripped out his shirt and shoes, but left the sweatpants on as he was not going to be _almost_ almost naked in the shower with Jiwon.

He started with Jiwon’s hair, softly massaging his scalp with the nicely scented shampoo. He had to actually stand on his tiptoes to really reach the other’s head. It wasn’t that he was small, not at all, but Jiwon was just so tall. The older noticed it and bent his head a little to help Hanbin, closing his eyes so the shampoo wouldn’t get into as eyes as well as at the feeling of the younger’s delicate fingers run over his scalp. He sighed at the sensation and hummed a bit. Seeing that Jiwon’s mood had improved, Hanbin smiled slightly as he moved over to the, well, awkward part – Jiwon’s body. He had picked out a mild body wash and tried to avoid any of the shampoo getting into the other’s cuts as he rubbed his hands over the Jiwon’s shoulder’s chest, abdomen and back. He once again couldn’t help but admire the sight of Jiwon’s muscular back, but the other constantly had his head turned to at least glimpse at Hanbin.

Hanbin bent over to hurriedly wash Jiwon’s legs and almost slipped, but Jiwon caught him in time – leaving them in an awkward position.  
Basically, Hanbin’s face was buried in the other’s abs, his lips pressing dangerously near the waistband of Jiwon’s boxers, actually touching it.

But when Hanbin shot up from the position, he slipped again and again, Jiwon caught him. But this time, their bodies were pressed against each other and the older’s big hands had each gripped a hold on Hanbin’s… well, yeah. Ass. And while Hanbin wanted to die out of embarrassment (Jiwon not being one bit less embarrassed), Jiwon was turned on. He had been staring at the other’s backside and for his taste, Hanbin got up way too quickly. But he couldn’t do anything about it, so he just glad the other didn’t get hurt.

Acting like nothing happened, Hanbin continued to rinse Jiwon’s hair and the bubbles from his body. “Well, I’ll get outside so you can, uhm… clean the remaining parts. I’ll wait outside and treat your wounds later, just wait a second so I can get you something to wear.” Jiwon stayed silent like he had been the whole time. It seemed like it was part of his behaviour when he was bothered or sad – to just not say anything. When Hanbin had brought in the clothes and closed the bathroom, Jiwon stripped out of his wet boxers and let the warm water pour over him. He was still agitated about the other’s words; they still ran in his mind and let him frown. _‘I’m filthy.’_ Hanbin was anything but that, for Jiwon he seemed like an angel that soothed his mind – collecting the living out of a devastated battlefield.

So when he stepped out of the shower, got dressed and went into the other room where Hanbin was sitting on his bed, he couldn’t help but feel sad. Hanbin was precious to him. Before the other could treat Jiwon’s wounds, the other told him that Hanbin should shower first, giving him some (a bit big) clothes. The other looked at him tiredly and nodded. Soon, he could hear the water rushing and let his body fall down on his bed.

To him, Hanbin was precious. At first, he just wanted him to take away the voices, but when they first talked and Hanbin seemed so… so broken, Jiwon felt a wave of wanting to protect the other wash over him. Now, he felt at peace when he could feel the other in his arms, feel his heart beat against his chest and the breath hit his skin. Hanbin was precious and Hanbin was worth knowing about. How could Hanbin ever be filthy?

While Jiwon thought about Hanbin, the latter let his eyes rest tiredly on the in tiles covered wall. _He wouldn’t._ The sigh escaped his lips faster than he could control it; he couldn’t help but let his head hang low and let out a short whimper. _Shit._ He started to lightly bump his fists against the wall while he killed the screams wanting to escape his throat. So many things had resurfaced during the day which he just wanted to forget.

Jiwon had asked about his past, about who he was; Hanbin had told him about how he thought of himself. Jaeseok had been there and Hanbin had been so scared, so scared that he would be dragged back to them that he choked somebody- He attempted to kill somebody and he hated it, he hated with his whole existence. _He didn’t want to be like that ever again_ – kill people and not care about it. _He didn’t want it,_ he couldn’t accept that he was like that, how could he carelessly, how could he, _how could he_?

Hanbin hurried to push away the merciless thoughts and stepped out of the shower, the cold air hitting him like the punches he used to receive if he did wrong. After he got dressed, he stared at himself in the mirror – like he always would. It was something Hanbin did to not forget what he was working for, what he wanted to be. It was something like an attempt to not forget who he was despite everything that happened the last few years. His eyes traced his reflection until they landed on his exposed collarbone, right where his ink ravens tried to fly high, but couldn’t. They were his constant reminder of what he had done, of who he had killed. There was one big raven on his chest, for the ones he couldn’t remember, the ones he wouldn’t remember. But the ones he had to keep in mind had grown into a swarm of birds, painting his skin in different shades of black.

_They were part of his many sins, his 13 ravens._

He covered his collarbone with the big sweater and splashed water at his face in attempt to change his gloomy expression. Well, it worked - more or less. When he entered the room, his eyes immediately landed on Jiwon. “Come on, we should quickly treat your wounds.” Luckily, they only had opened a little bit and so Hanbin could treat them without any problems. The moment he sank down next to Jiwon, the younger noticed how tired he was. He let himself fall back on to the sheets, enjoying how they smelled a bit like Jiwon.

The other laid down next to him, actually pulling him into his warm, tight embrace. Hanbin welcomed it, nuzzling his head against the other’s chest while Jiwon rested his head on top of the other’s hair. “Hanbin, you’re not filthy.” The quiet words hurriedly slipped past Jiwon’s lips and he felt the younger tense up at them, so he ran his hands along the sides of Hanbin’s back in attempt to let him loose up again, which he didn’t. Before he could do anything against it, Hanbin’s tears stained Jiwon’s sweater. The other noticed how Hanbin shook in his embrace and how he started to sob and so he placed small kisses on the other’s hair.  
“But I am. Jiwon… I- I killed so many people that I lost count of them. I killed so many people that their number stopped to matter-“ His words were swallowed in a row of choked breaths as he pressed his face against his chest. He wrapped his arms a bit tighter around the other and whispered soothing words into his ear until Hanbin’s breathing became steadier. He was awake and hugged Hanbin’s sleeping body to let him know that he’s safe, that Jiwon was there.

That day, the scared psychopath comforted the sad killer.


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "He couldn't bear how merciless the stare of his tattoo felt."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flashback time  
> Warning: somewhat Violence

Jiwon woke up with a sleeping Hanbin by his side. The mere sight let him feel warm, so he pulled the other gently closer to himself to bury his face in Hanbin's soft hair – the fact that it carried the faint scent of his own shampoo caused a low sigh to escape his lips. He was more than fond of the other and he would love to begin every day like that: A warm Hanbin laying next to him instead of being alone and fixated to a cold bed. Jiwon raised his head to look at the other's now incredibly peaceful looking features. Even though the older knew that Hanbin showed him a special side of him, there was still a distinct trace of coldness and anger in his eyes, his gestures and actions. He would wear an expression of tiredness and stress; he never seemed completely calm and Jiwon hated that. His hand moved gently to cup on side of Hanbin's angelic looking face and his rough thumb slowly caressed his cheeks, just to end up on his lips. They felt softer than Jiwon ever imagined and a sudden desire to kiss the seemingly perfect pink overcame the psychopath. His face moved closer and closer, his loving gaze not once leaving the other's beautiful mouth.

And just when he was about to press his own plump lips on the ones of Hanbin, he slowly moved upwards to place a kiss on to his forehead. He had decided that he wanted the younger to experience the first time their lips would collide; he had no doubts that it would happen. There was this strangely warm, almost hot feeling spreading inside him when he thought about kissing the other; a mellow expression made its way to his face as he welcomed the pleasure. Jiwon couldn't help but wanting to see the other's eyes open, so he quietly whispered Hanbin's name into the latter's ear in attempt to wake him in the gentlest way. "Hanbin, wake up."

The other's eyes flattered open, just to meet with Jiwon's admiring gaze. And Hanbin's lips curled into a calm, but affectionate smile. "Jiwon." The said man felt like exploding when his name left Hanbin's mouth, the warm feeling seeming almost unbearable and like pain at that point. But it didn't hurt him, it was his heart swelling with the loving sensation so that it was about to burst. He returned the smile and Jiwon's hand still laid on Hanbin's face; the other's palm crept up to rest on it. It was just like Hanbin had comforted Jiwon; but now it was the younger leaning into the touch, eyes open and locked with Jiwon's brown orbs. There was no trace of the distress Jiwon had thought about earlier, just complete calmness and warm feelings.  
"Jiwon," Hanbin did not break the silence, his voice perfectly fitted into it, "I talked about killing people yesterday, right?" Jiwon nodded, the smile on his face fainting ever so slightly. He could feel how important Hanbin's next words were. The latter took a deep breath before he started talking in a soft and whispering way. "I..."

He lost the track of his sentence while he searched for the right way to start his story and Jiwon just gently rubbed his thumb across his cheek, gently encouraging him to take his time. "I guess my parents didn't do a good job _being_ parents. It always seemed like I was an accident, something they didn't plan to ever happen." He tensed up at his own words, but continued to speak nonetheless. "I just happened. And they weren't able to deal well with that. I mean they tried for the first six or seven years... But not without giving away my one and only sibling when I was four. _Just..._ How could they?- I mean, they gave my little sister away-" Jiwon's arms wrapped a little tighter around him, helping the other to sort out his thoughts. "So, yeah... They started to now and then take some _'happy pills_ ', as they would call them in front of the ten year old me. Now and then became every week, every week became almost every second day if it was possible. Happy pills became other stuff I don't want to know about, other stuff I know remember selling to fucking teenagers. In that sense, I am glad they gave her away." He once again paused for a while, but the tranquility did not leave him.

"They would lie in front of me, bodies destroyed and empty glances locking with each other in despair. She would crawl into his embrace and cry from the hallucinations and he would just keep patting her back without strength." It was silent for a few minutes, both knowing words wouldn't help with the picture they both had in their head; Jiwon's varying from the reality.

"I eventually got them both into therapy, but it was expensive. Paired with the debts they have made being jobless and drug addicts wasn't really helping. So I needed money, you know? And there was this small gang willing to accept a 15 year old teen."

_There he was, a timid and fragile built kid that just turned 15 yesterday. There had been no cake; there had been no birthday song, just disoriented whispers and disgusting can food. The rain showered down on the small figure slipping through the streets until he reached his destination. Heavy eye bags ghosted under his tired eyes as he entered the C-shop for the first time in his life, a nasty smell greeting him harshly. His shoulders were shaking from the cold and wet clothes that clung to his weak body as he made his way through the thick clouds of smoke and half naked women. 'You're doing this for a happy life in the future, you can do this, you can do this Come on, find him.'  
His big eyes spotted the bright hair of Min, the shop owner after a few hours of searching. "You need to have at least 50 members to be part of this deal. Either you get another person to join you or this agreement," Hanbin could see how Min mimicked an explosion with his hands as he grinned at the man in front of him, "is no longer existent." Just before the other could answer, Hanbin's petit hand clutched to the slightly taller, blonde man's shirt whose owner turned around, just to stare at the younger with a surprised expression. "What are you doing here?" Hanbin wanted to respond, but was cut off by the stranger. "That kid will join us. You want cash you brat, don't you? We'll pay you."_

_'A happy life'_

_"Y-yeah."_  
Stupid.  
'A peaceful life. Come on.' 

_Min sighed heavily and shook the man's hand, his gaze carrying something like pity towards the teenager. "But only if you keep the kid."  
The man nodded eagerly. "I hope for good deals in the future." Min just dipped his head in acknowledgement before he disappeared into the crowd. "Now, let's go celebrate... Your name?" Hanbin tried (and succeeded) not to stutter as he answered. "Kim Hanbin, sir." The man laid his muscular arm around the younger, pulling him towards a much taller, very trained man. "Boss for you. And this is Kyung, one of my loyal and close assistants. Kyung, this is our new member and second assistant – Kim Hanbin." There was definite sorrow in Kyung's eyes as he mustered the young boy in front of him. He was way too young to be in this business. But Hanbin knew_

_that the damaged had been done the moment he found Min._

_However, he hadn't been aware of how huge that damage was; what kind of person he'd become._

"Shh, Hanbin, it's okay..." Jiwon muttered against Hanbin's ear as the other lost his calm behaviour and started to tense up. Eventually, he moved a bit and wrapped his arms around Jiwon's body to move even closer. It was one of the first times Hanbin would engage more in the hug on his own accord and for the millionth time that day, Jiwon sighed contently. He closed his eyes as Hanbin moved his face into the crook of his neck, nose sliding appreciatively along his collarbones. "I need to tell you the whole story, Jiwon..." His body now relaxed, Hanbin continued to move his leg over Jiwon who felt like he was going crazy at the younger's hot breath hitting his neck. He couldn't help but maneuver his own leg over Hanbin's and move his arm around the other's waist, their bodies so close that not even a piece of paper would've fitted between them. Hanbin's quiet voice continued to speak against Jiwon's skin.

_They brought the young boy into their main building – well, it was more of a main apartment. The air was heavy with smoke of all kinds and so similar to the C-shop as they stepped in. Glares followed Hanbin as they walked through the rather small rooms filled with dangerously looking men and few women. Soon, they reached a bigger space with certainly less people. They were all men except for a woman sitting in the corner; her arms were covered in tattoos and her harsh gaze immediately shifted away in a disinterested manner. "Who's that, boss?" The only man in a suit asked, a young girl in his lap. She looked a little older than Hanbin and the man certainly wasn't more than 5 years apart from her either, but it looked so wrong; maybe it was the sorrowful expression drowning her eyes, who knows. "Our fiftieth member. He was required for the deal with shop owner Min... We should treat him well; he is my second assistant of today." The man in the suit gestured Hanbin to sit down and pushed the girl on to his lap the moment his small figure had sunk down on the old looking armchair. "Please him." She nodded as she shifted her position to face him, her lips colliding unwillingly with his – taking him completely aback. "Are you sure you want to give that position to him? I'm usually not a softie, but you know what this job involves. Kyung certainly does it well, but do you think he's tough enough? I don't want a crying kid in here to babysit."_

_A grin Hanbin didn't see appeared on the boss' lips. "It comes with time. Let's test him later." Meanwhile, Hanbin still hadn't responded to the girls moving lips. He was so confused of the whole situation - just this morning he had visited his from reality detached parents in the clinic and now, he was suddenly part of the mafia and a girl was forced to kiss him. "Please, I beg of you..."She whispered the second she detached her lips from his. He slightly shook his head and she pressed another kiss on his mouth in response. "He'll think I'm not doing a good job..." The girl moved his hand onto her exposed hip, a deep purple bruise clearly visible. Hanbin's eyes widened as his eyes wandered on her body, just to see more injuries on her. Hesitantly, he finally kissed her back, his hands cupping her face gently. "It's okay. Let's just... do the thing easiest for you? Neither of us want this"_

Hanbin could feel that Jiwon stiffed at the mention of the kiss, so he pressed his lips against the older's neck. One, two, three; a lot of times.

_She nodded slightly, tears brimming in her eyes. So he placed kisses on her face; they were gentle, yet cold. She suddenly was pulled away from him and tumbled on to the floor, her face hitting the ground harshly. Hanbin jumped up and immediately helped her to stand again; he froze as he heard the boss' voice. "Hanbin. Come with me." Head hung low, the confused boy followed the man who seemed to be in his late twenties. The boss gestured the one woman to give him something. There was something like disgust in her face as she handed him a gun, whispering something Hanbin didn't understand. "I have a job for you." He gestured Kyung to go with them as well; the said man's expression was indifferent, but his eyes had not stopped to display the pity for Hanbin. They went out of the apartment: Kyung, Hanbin, the boss and the man in the suit. The rain had yet to stop as they made their way through the empty alleys and past a few shallow people – as if they weren't shallow themselves._

_Soon, they reached a small club, but instead of entering through the main door, they stepped through a side entrance. It led them into a rather big, poorly illuminated room which was full of... strange tools. "You know, Hanbin, we're a raising gang. And for us to rise, we need jobs. And jobs require information that makes us interesting." The boss' voice was stern as he spoke, eyes trained on a man sitting in front of them. Hanbin jumped as he saw him; he was poorly dressed and covered in dirt and wounds, some of them still bleeding. He coughed as he heard the boss talking, his head rising in strange, seemingly reasonless disorientation – Hanbin felt like throwing up when he saw why. One of his eyes had been brutally removed; pieces of flesh were hanging down his face. "Kyung has done a good job getting the information out of him. So now, this guy has to be taken care of for a last time, you understand?"_  
"The metal of the gun felt awfully cold despite the fact that the boss had held it for the whole time." Hanbin didn't elaborate any further, knowing that Jiwon understood. Suddenly, Hanbin couldn't seem to bear Jiwon's touch anymore so he pulled away from the other and got off the bed. _It was cold.  
"Aim it between his eyes." The young boy felt every vein in his body screaming that he shouldn't do it, that there would be no turning back after this. 'A happy, peaceful life, right?' The boss and the man in the suit stood in the back watching as Kyung explained how he could kill the existence that once had been a man; now, he was just a messy form of despair. The one eye the man had left gazed through the room in sheer panic. "Don't kill me, don't kill me, don't! Don't! DON'T!-"_

_"Close your eyes." Hanbin did as he was told as the metal of the gun softly collided with the forehead of the man; his head was held by Kyung so the guy wouldn't move too much. And the few seconds felt like hours as Hanbin pulled the trigger, choking the scream that now was stuck in the man's throat._

_Bang._

“Hanbin…” Jiwon had felt powerless over his rage so many times, but none could compare to how he felt when he saw Hanbin sinking on to the ground. Said man pulled his knees closer to his chest and took of his sweater, throwing it on to the floor. Quiet sobs started to slowly escape his lips as he stared at the one eyed, in blood covered raven on his arm, gently rocking back and forth on his heels.

He couldn’t bear how merciless the stare of his tattoo felt.


	9. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: There's mild smut I wrote over half a year ago and yes, it's pretty bad, so please don't expect me to write more because _it's bad_

Not one, but two. There were two sides inside one body, being bigger contraries than one would ever guess.

There was the – usually grumpy – Hanbin that was your typical ‘cold but nice’ man with short temper who couldn’t turn a blind eye to those who needed his help. It was also the part of him that was incredibly soft towards Jiwon and couldn’t get enough of their … cuddling. It was the Hanbin that pitied the women inside the C-shop, the one who had slightly pushed away that girl four years ago and the one who seeking for the kind of love only a lover could give.

But then there was the side that _might_ pull the trigger at one wrong word. The one with not anger but pure _rage_ that consumed him from the inside, the piece of him that had worked in the mafia; the side of him that belonged there. The heartless, the different kind of cold from the usual side Hanbin that did not show any mercy.

There was a fine, not straight or solid line drawn between the two in his head.  
And yet, there was a third side buried deep inside him he couldn’t bear to show;

_The broken one._

It wasn’t really clear which side of Hanbin sat in the bar Sungdo had mentioned, several hours after telling his story to Jiwon, an empty expression resting on his face. His thoughts were caught in the moment that had occurred earlier that day and how he cried in front of Jiwon. He still remembered the Jiwon's touch as the other had hugged him from behind, his arms wrapping around his entire figure that had been cowering on the floor. It had felt incredibly comforting and Hanbin regretted that he had gotten up and guided Jiwon back to his empty room where he was fixated again. Jiwon's reassuring smile clouded his mind, so didn't notice Sungdo standing in front of him.  
_‘It's alright, Hanbin-‘_

"Mr.Kim?" The guards' eyes widened as they both recognized who exactly Kung Sungdo wanted to meet. Hanbin got up from his chair, adjusting the tie of his suit as he nodded toward the other. He obviously wasn't in a good mood, but Sungdo noticed how oddly professional his behaviour seemed. It wasn't the first time he was doing business in mafia circles, if he was being honest.

"Beomsoo, Kangmin. Long time no see. How long has it been? A year?" Okay. First off, Hanbin looked incredibly good in a suit while he grinned in an evil manner. Secondly, Sungdo was questioning why Kim Hanbin knew his guards. And to his surprise, they bowed to him. "Mr. Kim, to our knowledge, you-" Hanbin interrupted them, his grin widening. There was something glinting in his eyes and neither of the three liked it. "Let's talk in private, shall we?"  
Sungo nodded and gestured Hanbin to follow him. He led him behind the bar into a room he had prepared beforehand which was empty despite a low table and cushions to sit on. After they had settled down, Hanbin did not waste any time. “Why am I here, Kung Sungdo?” Sungdo smiled slyly and answered in a mocking voice. He did not see the guards - who knew Hanbin’s attitude very well and had witnessed his reaction to such answers more than once (it wasn’t a nice sight) – go pale, the shock resting warily on their faces. “Well, I don’t know why you decided to come here, _Mr. Kim._ ” Hanbin clenched his fists under the table as the other spoke. And again, the other spoke without caution and provoking words were heavily engraved in the silence that followed afterwards.  
_It was a trap._ Hanbin’s hands snapped forward, brutally pulling Sungdo by his collar towards him. His expression was as calm as Hanbin’s, but instead of the threatening tranquility in the experienced mafioso’s eyes, the heir’s were filled with pure fear. “If I ask you a question and you aren’t dumb enough to not understand what I want to know, you answer. _Understood?_ ” Sungdo nodded slowly and was released. He subtly looked behind to find his guards not having even moved an inch to protect him.

“So, Mr. Kim,” one of them, Beomsoo, spoke with audible respect in his voice,” you still do this with-“ Beomsoo didn’t dare to say ‘newbies’ in front of his boss’ son. “What do you mean?” Sungdo asked, trying to sound not like a complete, well, _newbie._ “I purposely do this, yeah.” Hanbin grinned at Beomsoo and Kyungsoo like they’ve been friends for years, which took the two by surprise. Of course they also knew that Kim Hanbin was respectful and rather nice towards the people that didn’t annoy him, but not while he was doing business – at least not with people he took seriously.

Before Sungdo repeated his question, Hanbin answered. “It’s a lesson. I ask an obviously stupid question and the _newbie_ answers either respectfully of cockily.” He spat out the word newbie, his eyes now glaring at the one in front of him. Not giving the other a chance to respond, he continued. “If you don’t know the one in front you, treat him with respect. So, do you know me?”

“Kim Hanbin. 19 years. Part of the Park gang. High positioned and quite known in the underground world.” The said man chuckled and leaned forward, a dangerous grin playing on his pretty lips. “Poorly done homework, I would say.” His stare burned into Sungdo’s eyes and the other gulped. There was authority, danger and other things that yelled to not mess with the man called Kim Hanbin, yet he did. Sungdo’s voice didn’t sound as confident as he intended and was shaking more than he liked. “Then, do you know me?” Another mocking chuckle.

“Kung Sungdo. Son of Kung Jaeseok and heir to the Kung family. 19 years old. Never had a girlfriend and is a virgin with pretty little anger issues. Has been on 6 different schools and is picky with food. You don’t have any siblings and seem rather fond of fighting, looking at the fact how many times you had to change school. Daddy’s name was protecting you, wasn’t it? Or- Don’t tell me it’s something like your dream? Is that why you never got yourself involved in to your father’s business and just used his name to beat others?” Sungdo went pale, pure anger displayed on his face as Hanbin continued. He actually leant forward, trying to hold back the urge to punch the other.

“Did I hit a nerve?” Hanbin leaned in further, his face only inches away from the Sungdo’s. The tension was almost unbearable, but the guards knew they shouldn’t interrupt Kim Hanbin. “Seems like it-” He paused and then leaned back, another smug grin on his face as Sungdo responded. “You’re implying I should treat you with respect. But, Mr. Kim, we’re the same age, there’s no difference-“

His laugh was taunting and rose to a dangerous volume until it abruptly stopped. “The difference, you ask?” Sungdo was almost intoxicated by the despair that drowned Kim Hanbin’s eyes, along with the usual, all-time present rage flaming in his brown orbs. “Explain to me.” Hanbin shouldn’t lose his face in front of Kung’s heir; not in front of this newbie he could kill so easily. That’s all it took.

The trigger of the gun on his body being pulled.

His hands around his neck, pressing and squishing and cutting off the air.

The knife at his leg pushed into his heart-

That’s all it would take for Hanbin. And Hanbin knew it; Hanbin had done it so many times. His eyes sank down on to his hands that were covered in the blood of so many people - of fathers, brothers, sisters, sons and daughters, probably of a mother too -; Tainted by the ink of his ravens. “The difference…” His eyes seemed so dark, almost black, as he looked up again. “I know that it’s just that tiny bit that it takes for _it_ to happen. I let _it_ happen while you hid behind your father’s name.” Sungdo wanted to answer to the absoluteness of Hanbin’s sentence, but couldn’t. He did know that it meant something, but not what _it_ meant; the didn’t know what it was or who the mystery Kim Hanbin was, what-  
“Anyways, we should talk about why you wanted to meet me.” Why did Sungdo’s throat feel so dry? It took him a few seconds until he could answer. “I… You’re close to Kim Jiwon, right?”

“Yes.” Realizing that Hanbin wouldn’t answer anything else, Sungdo continued. “Kim Jiwon. Do you know his identity?”  
“Aside from the fact that his family must be richer than half of Seoul and that he’s a cannibalistic psychopath? No, not really. And that is important to you _because_? Speed it up, I don’t have all day.” A document was slid over the table and Hanbin studied it thoroughly, making sure to remember everything. “Heir to Agma Corporations and has a dead older brother. What’s the cause? It’s not listened. Was he murdered?”  
Sungdo shook his head. “It’s unknown.” Hanbin let out a ‘tch’ sound and threw the paper back on the table, his left eyebrow raised questioningly. Sungdo sighed, rubbing his temples.  
“Kill him.”

Hanbin’s snort was insulting and sounded like Sungdo had told him the worst joke to ever exist. “And why would I do that?”  
“I won’t tell my father about you working there.” Hanbin shook his head and made a gesture towards Beomsoo and Kangmin. “He already knows. And I don’t need your pocket money, I’m not that much of a lowlife.”

And for the first time that evening, Sungdo let a devilish grin flash over his features, feeling certain Hanbin would agree to the proposal. “It would be a shame if your parents would somehow get their hands on some drugs, wouldn’t it?”

A trigger.

His hands.

A knife.

One of these; that’s all it would take.

Hanbin didn’t know why the mention of his parents infuriated him like that. He didn’t see them as parents, he didn’t love them - at least that’s what he always thought. But he couldn’t help but replay the scene in his head; the scene of his birthday with whimpers and despair and cold can food. He remembered their helpless remnants, cowered next to each other as he stood by and watched them. Her tears and his lost strength. Maybe, maybe there was something left for them inside his heart.

Maybe that was why the guards couldn’t draw their gun, that’s how fast Hanbin had jumped over the table to strangle Sungdo, oddly reminded of the situation earlier that day. Hanbin’s legs were positioned next to the sides of the forcefully laid down Sungdo, securing him to stay in place while his fingers cruelly dug themselves into the other’s neck.

“You want to know the difference between us?” Hanbin’s face was a grimace of rage that was so close to kill Sungdo. “The difference?” He shouted at him, lifting him by his neck, just to slam Sungdo’s head down onto the floor. The gasp was stuck in the other’s throat along with the air he needed as the pain spread from the back of his skull throughout his whole body. His hands shot up to free himself from Hanbin’s merciless grip, but failed. “I know my limits. The difference is that _I know_. I know how little bit it takes to kill you. It’s such little effort!” He screamed, smashing Sungdo’s head against the ground for a second time. Guns were now pointed at his head, but he couldn’t care less. The supposed threat had fired backwards, that’s Sungdo had started to realize. “Don’t try to threaten me like that. The next time you do…” He crashed the other’s head one last time on to the old floor before he let go and stood up, death glares still directed at the one laying on the floor and gasping for air. “Next time you do, I’ll make sure to drag your half dead body somewhere and kill you.”

He nodded to the guards, whispering something silent into their ear and stormed out of the room, leaving a completely shocked Sungdo. His voice was hoarse and he was sure that it wasn’t exactly healthy to be choked two times a day.

“So that’s Kim Hanbin.”

[-]

“Hanbin? What are you doing here, your shift ended 3 hours ago. It’s already 10 pm- what happened!?” Along seeing Hanbin’s outraged expression, Soonji jumped out her chair to worriedly walk around the counter. Hanbin was panting heavily after he had run here the last 30 minutes. He needed to see _him_ , to feel _him_ , to be engulfed by his arms or else he would crumble into a million pieces.

“…Okay, I’ll give you the key to his room.” Hanbin must have spoken his last thoughts out aloud and Soonji understood as she hurried back behind the counter to throw him they little, metallic object. Hanbin gave her a grateful nod and sprinted down the halls to Jiwon’s room. He was reminded of his first day here, when he had followed Soonji and Doctor Jung the exact same route and how Jiwon-

His thoughts were interrupted when Hanbin reached Jiwon’s room and hurried to unlock it.

Jiwon turned his head slowly the moment he heard someone enter. He had been having troubles with falling asleep, but the thought of seeing Hanbin faster than being awake all the time was more than enough motivation for the man. To his positive surprise, it was Hanbin who entered and he would have had a goofy grin on his face if it weren’t for the other’s expression. “Hanbin? What-“ He was interrupted as the younger removed his tapes and straightjacket, just to lay himself down on to the other. His head rested on Jiwon’s chest as he slung his arms in a helpless way around the other, desperately whispering his name. “Jiwon, he- my parents-“ The older wrapped his arms around the other, placing soft kisses on his hair as he whispered calming words into his ear. “I’m here, Hanbin. I’m here.”  
Countless sighs collided with his chest as Hanbin crawled up to face Jiwon. And as they looked at each other, Jiwon felt like something was wrong with the other’s expression. He couldn’t figure it out, but he cupped Hanbin’s face anyways and let his rough thumbs caress the other’s cheeks, lips, closed eyes. “I just need to calm dow-“ He his eyes shut and stopped talking, leaning down to bury his face in Jiwon’s neck. He breathed in his scent that smelled like faint lavender and musk and stopped his heart racing. It didn’t take him long to completely calm down – and he wouldn’t talk about it, he just needed Jiwon and he could do everything; that’s what he felt like in that moment.

“It’s okay now. Thank you.” He breathed against the other’s neck. “That’s good.” They stayed silent for a while, Jiwon’s hands around Hanbin’s shoulders and the latter calmly resting his head next to the other’s. And Hanbin watched Jiwon, suddenly having the urge to show what was brawling inside his chest. And so, he started placing small kisses on the soft yet strong skin. Jiwon sighed contently at the feeling of the other’s lips being gently pressed against his adam’s apple and jaw line, until he felt himself lifting Hanbin’s head gently. Their eyes collided, brown drowning in brown and affection. Hanbin couldn’t help himself and moved closer. Jiwon did the same, lifting his head to lean near Hanbin. And then, he felt the younger’s lips on his.

They were soft and beautiful and just right as he responded, his own moving against his. And he felt himself smiling into the kiss, moving his hands around Hanbin’s waist and pushing himself up – Hanbin was now sitting on his lap, still not breaking the kiss. And Jiwon’s hands moved again, now buried in the other’s soft hair until they both had to break away, gasping for air. Their gazes met again, feeling that everything they were doing was mutual and intensifying the moment. And plump lips crashed against Hanbin’s own again, this time deepening it.

Jiwon felt like he would explode as he dominated the kiss that started to be all tongue and lip biting. He softly dug his teeth into Hanbin’s lower lip, hands now running down to feel the other’s ass and possessively squeezing it. The younger groaned at the sensation and Jiwon felt the sound going southwards. “Mine” He muttered between their long kisses, feeling like ha had missed something his whole life long; well, it was one of the most important ones he missed.  
And it continued like that, both of them not sure what they wanted to happen, but certain that _something_ was to happen. And maybe that something was the moment Hanbin let his desires take complete control and grind against Jiwon, moaning out his name. Jiwon froze for a second, making Hanbin conscious of what he had done. He started to stutter and blush like crazy trying to apologize, but then – then, Jiwon kissed him again and moved his hands to his inner thigh, grazing against the slight bulge that had appeared beneath Hanbin’s pants.

“Mine” Jiwon muttered again, getting Hanbin out of his jacket and formal, white shirt. His lips hungrily flew across the other’s neck, leaving one purple mark after another. But nothing felt better than the feeling of kissing Hanbin who had just pulled Jiwon’s black sweater over his head; it was the one Hanbin had given him the other day. And Hanbin dived down to kiss the others chest and abdomen, appreciating the strong muscles rippling beneath skin. “Jiwon-“ He heard the latter grunt and guide his head back up, kissing his lips for the millionth time like he was the dried out and Hanbin was the water. And he tasted him, the mix of burnt wood and coffee; Hanbin tasted just right.

What had been barely a touch a few minutes ago now was active palming; Jiwon’s big, warm hands soon opened the younger’s zipper. But he wasn’t the only one undressing the other; Hanbin did the same, kissing and kissing and kissing his naked skin again and again. They both were left in their boxers as Hanbin finally mustered the courage to touch Jiwon, who responded surprisingly heavily: One grunt after another left his mouth as he felt Hanbin’s palm rubbing his dick through his boxers.

So, you see: Hanbin had been sex deprived for 6 months and couldn’t even touch himself during the time as he was busy with trials and worries; he was going crazy from the pleasure of finally being touched again. But if you compare Hanbin to Jiwon, it was nothing. Jiwon had been robbed from sexual activity for _4 years_. So mixed with the feelings he harbored for the other, his patience hit rock bottom.

And Hanbin was flushing a deep crimson red as they were both fully naked, well, it was rather because of his thoughts that rushed through his mind as he saw the other’s dick. Jiwon’s cock was anything but short; instead, he was long and pleasingly thick. _What would he feel like when we-_ Faster than he could think, Jiwon’s hand finally met with his own member, pumping it in a fast pace. Hanbin barely suppressed his moans, much to Jiwon’s disapproval. “Don’t hold back… Show me how much you enjoy it, Hanbin- Fuck”

Hanbin did as he was told and moaned, but not without guiding his own member to press against Jiwon’s so that they _both_ could enjoy this. The latter felt breathless as Hanbin rubbed both of their cocks gently yet strong enough against each other until the warm heat inside his stomach tightened and he came, Hanbin just seconds after him. 

[-]

Jiwon couldn’t sleep. But it wasn’t a bad feeling because the happiness spreading in his chest was such an amazing feeling he never wanted to lose. It was a feeling he got when he looked at Hanbin’s face that was poorly illuminated in the dark room, but his eyes rested on it nonetheless. After Jiwon had cleaned up both of them, they had slipped into their clothes again. So Hanbin laid in front of him, his messily buttoned shirt not hiding any of the hickeys at all. Jiwon couldn’t help but smile as this warm, _warm_ feeling inside him intensified.

He decided to move the younger to his original room and therefore gently lifted him off the bed, the soft breath hitting his neck as they walked making him smile. Jiwon actually had to concentrate a lot to not just stare at Hanbin the whole time and luckily, he soon reached the reception.  
Upon seeing them, Soonji started to panic. But the way Jiwon slowly walked towards her, the sleeping younger gently scooped in his arms and a loving expression on his face as he looked at him, let her relax. She had to cough though so she wouldn’t start to squeal right there because _they were just so cute and argh!_

“Soonji?”

“Yeah, that’s my name. What do you nee- holy shi-!” After slamming her fist on the desk in front her, Soonji could fight the urge to spasm all over the place as she saw Hanbin’s hickeys. She cleared her throat and gave Jiwon (who was too intoxicated with Hanbin to notice her behavior) a small smile. “I need the key to my original room. It’s more comfortable than the one in my treatment room, you know?” She nodded and handed him the key.

Don’t judge her for giving a key to a patient/psychopath. It was for her ship and you need priorities in one’s life.

But before Jiwon disappeared into the direction of his room, he turned around to ask Soonji something. “Can I come here again? Like, after I tug Hanbin in? I need to ask you something.” Confused, Soonji nodded. And even though she thought about it the whole time while she was waiting, she was not prepared for the question.

“Miss Soonji, how exactly does gay sex work?”

It was an inhuman noise Soonji made, but she couldn’t care less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I updated, finally.  
> Ha.  
> One thing I can do.  
>  _not even_


	10. Extra: 'The Commitment Of A Fangirl'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Soonji is a committed one, even if means she'd have to go out at 4 am and buy lube.

“So… At least three fingers – one after one, slowly! - and a lot of scissoring motions?” Bobby repeated, cocking his head to the side like he didn’t just hear an explicit explanation of gay sex. Soonji just blushed and nodded, but not without adding a clear “And lube. Lots, lots, lots of lube.”. _You gotta prepare that boy. No, she was talking about educating the boy so there won’t be any rip- well, you also need that kind of preparation but she meant telling Jiwon about- she meant the preparation for the preparation. (Soonji made a mental note that if she was to ever resign, she would become a biology teacher – telling kids about how the wrestling thing works.)_

Jiwon stared at the ground, eyes indicating that he was extremely concentrated. “Lube, fingers, scissors, condom, lube.” _Oh god._ Soonji was such a pure virgin, she couldn’t hear someone talking about sex so innocently! ( _Who was she kidding, her free time was filled with junk food and M-rated fanfictions. She was borderline about to suggest some positions._ ) When Jiwon finished remembering all the steps, he beamed at Soonji who legitimately fell down her chair. “Stop blinding me with your smile” she whined as she got up, rubbing her butt she had landed on. “Thank you, Miss Soonji!”  
_How can Jiwon, a freaking psychopath, be such a cutie?_

-Girl, he killed people.  
Don’t you see his love for Kim Hanbin? My freaking ship is sailing with the wind of a fucking hurricane in its sails!  
-Guess as sweet as the human flesh he eats as a cannibal.  
Nobody’s perfect, we all have our flaws, don’t we?  
-You used to regularly hear him scream about the voices in his head, Soonji.  
If I’m right, you are also a voice in my head and I don’t discriminate you for that.  
\- ...*

She was too immersed in her conversation with the mysterious (fanfiction phenomen) voice in her head, so she didn’t get how Jiwon was almost out of the door. She quickly yelled a goodbye to him – which was a bit not so innocent. “See you, Jiwon! … And lift him up!” Bobby nodded, not quite understanding what she meant, and hurried to his room to see Hanbin.

_I’ve been single for too long,_ she thought as she looked at her watch. “It’s 12! The new episode is out!”

[-]

So while Jiwon was sleeping, cuddling with Hanbin as he did, Soonji finally was off her shift – just to walk to a convenience store, wearing her sweatpants and a black hoodie. She silently cursed (something she only did when she was in a _really_ bad mood) under her breath as she walked through the streets of the rather big town. _It was such a hassle, really._ “Wasn’t able to get coffee for the last 8 hours of night shift and what do I do? ‘of course, Joosae, you can use the last filling. No, not at all, I’m completely okay with it.’ My ass, why do I put myself into coffee-deprivation-situations?” Coffee-less Soonji was no joke.

So she finally walked into the store, ugly LED-lamps greeting her as the big clock at the entrance showed 4 am. “I should be sleeping or watching dramas. Heck, I still have to continue Stranger Things!” She muttered to herself as she went to the food section, knowing that she didn’t have any grinded coffee beans left at home. Yawning, she got herself two packs of it and a cold coffee in those ‘trying to be fancy’ plastic cups. But as she went to go purchase the stuff, she passed the section she’d always label _I don’t need that shit because I’m single as hell._ And it got her tired, 4-am-mind thinking. _‘And lube. Lots, lots, lots of lube.’_ “How the fuck is he supposed to get it? Hanbin? That innocent cupcake would in no freaking way carry that with.” She was trying to talk herself into buying it, thinking what kind of things she was doing for her ship. “Commitment, that’s what I call commitment.” So she quickly grabbed a bottle, blushing like crazy, and hurried to the register. And of course, there had to be a cute guy still looking perfect at the early morning shift sitting behind it.

And Soonji told herself to get over it, placing the items on the counter. The cashier scanned them all without a comment, until he got to the lube. “Excuse me, but could you please show me your ID?” Soonji closed her eyes, the guy hit a nerve. She was a baby face, she knew, okay? But she didn’t look _that_ young, come on!  
“I am freaking 23, for your information. And aside from that: Since when do you need to be over 18 to buy lube?” She responded, sighing and opening her eyes. The guy smiled at her, but No-Coffee-Soonji was someone without patience. The words he said next were ‘sweet’, but they just plainly annoyed her. “Underage sex is often too rushed, you know. And I don’t really think you’re-“

That earned the cashier a glare that could kill. But instead of the anger outburst he expected, a whine passed past Soonji’s lips. “Come on, this is so embarrassing for me! I’m buying this for a friend and I really want to get this over with… I just grabbed some money and left my wallet at home. So please!” The girl lifted her head a bit for the first time, and the cashier could now see her face properly. She had chubby cheeks (she was chubby herself), a button nose and small eyes that gave him a pleading glance. Her skin wasn’t exactly perfect – there were a few zits and a lot of redness on her cheeks – and the shadows under eyes were on another level (nothing compared to her eye bags though). Let’s just say Soonji wasn’t looking her best.

But the cashier thought she was cute.

“I still can’t give you the lube if you’re under eighteen-“

“Let’s google it.” Soonji had already pulled out her phone and typed in the words, just to winningly show him the results. The guy didn’t look at the phone though and instead stared at the grin that played on Soonji’s lips – it was unbelievably cute and fluffy.

So he grabbed her phone and read through the text before typing something, not before asking for permission though. And he handed her the device back, sighing in defeat (and earning another grin from the girl) before she paid for her stuff and disappeared through the door, waving him goodbye.

As Soonji walked back to her small apartment, she giggled about the scenes of her nameless ship that day and how impossibly cute Jiwon had been. Curious about the time, she checked her phone – for it to be opened in the text messages. The contact name was… strange. There was a sentence typed in the white bar, unsent.

**Jung Chanwoo (aka the cashier guy)**

_I like your smile ☺_

And right there, at her tiny apartment at 4:17 am, said smile crept on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * since this is also posted on asianfanfics, I took this convo from a comment (simply because I thought it's just kinda funny, don't question my fanfic humour like 8 chapters into the fic)
> 
> btw I started watching Teen Wolf like two weeks ago, I'm at 3A and thinking of writing some Sterek  
> somewhat spolerish stuff for season 3: idk, I usually am not one to 'hate' on another ship but i don't like Jennifer or the way half-dead Derek would suddenly more or less search for her after speaking to her once  
> because if it's about having issues and maybe searching comfort in that, that boy Stiles also has issues (at this point I'm argueing with a lowkey maybe offensive argument, BUT I JUST DON'T LIKE IT)


	11. Chapter 9

„So, Mister Kim Hanbin, what can you tell me about patient Jiwon’s behavior?“ Hanbin yawned, leaning back to balance himself on the two legs of his chair while he gifted Doctor Jung with a mocking glance. Responding to the other’s now lifted eyebrow, Hanbin snorted and let the chair fall back on all four legs with a loud bang, a smug grin playing on his lips before a serious expression spread on his face. “He doesn’t like being touched by strangers, so I’d suggest you staff warn- or wait, they should ask him if it’s okay to touch him so he won’t be nervous.” Doctor Jung nodded, his eyes only leaving Hanbin to hastily look down on the messy notes he was scribbling on his note pad. “Also, the behavior of the people around him has a great impact on him, especially if he’s focused on one particular person. The staff should act as relaxed as possible and not mistreat him, you know?” Doctor Jung slightly stiffed at the mention of ‘mistreat’, knowing exactly what Hanbin meant. “Yeah… He seems calm when you talk nicely to him and if he allows you to, tou-“

Hanbin interrupted himself and tried to suppress the blush creeping on his cheeks as he thought about cuddling with Jiwon. If he had been alone (or with the other), he would have giggled (something completely un-Hanbin-like) while the memories of the morning flooded back to him.

_“Good morning, Hanbin.” A deep, hoarse voice greeted Hanbin as he let his eyes flutter open, just to see a sleepy and adorably smiling Jiwon in front of him. Not even noticing how the wide smile immediately made its way to his lips, he let out a small “Good morning to you too, Jiwon”. An incredible warmth drowned Jiwon’s eyes as he lifted his hand to gently brush Hanbin’s messy morning hair out of the said man’s face. It was a slow, affection- filled gesture and made the younger’s chest swell with that hot feeling that very, very softly ripped his heart apart in the best ways one could imagine. They both scooted closer in a way that could almost be described as lazily, yet eager to be as near to the other as possible. And when their chests met their lips did too, so differently from the heated way hours before. Both of them had chapped lips that slowly, gently moved against each other in an unsteady synch, yet to be in complete harmony. Said harmony kicked in as they gasped for air, those new feelings inside them taking their breath, just to kiss again at the sight of each other’s warm, affectionate gaze._

_Arms wrapped around bodies, holding and caressing each other softly while smiles made their way into long, tender kisses._

“Hanbin?” Hanbin jerked at the mentioning of his name, staring at Doctor Jung with a startled expression. It was so different to hear his name from someone else’s lips than Jiwon’s, almost wrong. Yet he had to get himself together and coughed awkwardly. Doctor Jung mustered him, a mixture of suspicion and a questioning expression displayed on his face. Hanbin, who was completely taken aback by being caught thinking about Jiwon, stared right back at him to hide his embarrassment.

“Yes?”

“Is there something else?” The doctor’s eyes shortly were glued to Hanbin’s turtleneck that covered most of his skin, just to continue to look at him. Hanbin stared right back at him; a thoughtfulness spreading in his eyes like Doctor Jung had never seen it before. He didn’t know how the younger’s mind wandered back to the day Jiwon jumped out of the window, already having yearned to be near him and how he had cowered in the corner, crying and begging and talking to that superior voice in his head; trying to make deals to not kill him. _‘I don’t want to hurt anybody, please…’_

“He’s fighting with himself… He’s conscious of what he’s doing when he loses control- at least before he loses it. It’s not like he does it for entertainment.” Doctor Jung stayed silent. God knows how desperate he had become over the last three, actually four, years. There never had been one time in his life where he had thought somebody couldn’t be cured – at least until Kim Jiwon appeared. Hoseok didn’t know what kept him going, what kept him trying to tame that beast that seemed to fill out and take away everything from Jiwon. He didn’t know what had kept him going up to the point he hated the young man, up to the point he wished that damned psychopath was dead and gone forever. The will to help him, the care he had continued to give him had turned him into someone deprived of these intentions.

Who could have thought that Kim Jiwon would be attracted to somebody who randomly was there to work off his crimes? If someone had told Hoseok two weeks ago, he would have slapped and kicked them out of the house. _Kim Jiwon isn’t attracted to anyone. Kim Jiwon isn’t curable. Kim Jiwon doesn’t exist; there’s just that monster left inside him._

“He’s really suffering.” Hoseok mustered Hanbin again, his eyes trained on the sad, helpless expression the other wore so quietly. It seemed like he didn’t notice what kind of face he was making, how much his eyes drowned in a feeling Hoseok could only describe as painful love, yet there was so much more to it. It was a wrong love, a love that shouldn’t exist. A psycho and a former Mafioso – how could that even work? Doctor Jung was a cold person that tried to fight other’s demons with medication and words whilst Hoseok was drowning in the despair of not being able to help everybody. It was impossible for him, how could it be possible for the two of them, so corrupted in their broken souls, to fight them themselves? They needed him, right?-

He coughed, regaining his lost composure. -

Actually, (to explain why Doctor Jung knew about Hanbin’s earlier life) there had been a wiretap behind the light switch. Doctor Jung remembered very clearly how the security guard had called him, how Doctor Jung had listened and instructed the guard to go out as Doctor Jung watched the two of them. His eyes had been glued to the screen as he listened to a story told by a teenager who had gone through hardships Hoseok didn’t want to imagine. Even if he had expected himself to have grown a bit more distant towards other’s fates, he had left the room after Hanbin had sunken on to the ground and went out for a cup of tea like Hoseok hadn’t done it for quite a while.

The random delinquent wasn’t as random as Jung had thought.

Thoughts and decisions had flown through his mind, how he eventually had told himself that it was the last hope for Jiwon – not that he had enough and couldn’t bear the insane guy anymore. Hoseok had hit rock bottom and he couldn’t deny that he was just desperate in Jiwon’s matter. _It’s okay as long as Jiwon gets cured. As long as I can treat patients are able to recover without a mafia guy who’s been killing people since the age of 15-_

“I guess I can work with that. Thank you.” The younger took a deep breath, knowing that he was asking something risky. “Doctor Jung, maybe it’s good to try and let Jiwon out of his usual rooms and try to let him interact with people-“

“Maybe.” There was something very definite in Doctor Jung’s- Hoseok’s response, but Hanbin was unsure what it was: rejection- or approvement. And so, he quietly left the room with a nod, leaving Doctor Jung with his thoughts.

The Doctor’s hands quickly grabbed the stationary phone on his desk. “Soonji? Yeah, I want to change patient Kim Jiwon’s medication.” And hastily, with shaking fingers, he typed another number, ohne he hadn’t called for a long, long time.

[-]

Never had Hanbin thought that being greeted with a bright smile could let him feel so happy – maybe it was how cute Jiwon looked, his bunny teeth very prominent and adorable. “Strange how cute a muscular, tall guy can be…” He mumbled while sliding on to the bed next to Jiwon who immediately pulled him into an intimidate embrace. Jiwon hummed happily, following nothing but the feeling of having Hanbin in his arms. “Hey…”

The younger just sighed contently, taking in Jiwon’s calming scent. He felt light kisses on his neck and chuckled, once again forgetting all of his troubles and worries. Jiwon on the other hand heard the soft sound and felt like he could take on the world; like he could fight whatever let those disgusting desires creep up inside him. His thoughts wandered a bit and he started to count the days he already passed without once having heard the voice outside his nightmares, because he knew that those would never leave him alone – images of blood and pain and fear.

Blood and pain and fear. No, he didn’t want to have those dreams and maybe, maybe Hanbin could help him get rid of that voice-  
And burden him with those things? For the first time while embracing Hanbin, Jiwon frowned. What effect would… _he_ have on Hanbin? Would he become stressed? Would he also have those nightmares? What if-

Another memory shot back into his head, causing a throbbing headache to spread beneath his skull. Jiwon reminded himself of what he had done-  
Would Hanbin hate him? Would he be _scared_ of him?

Lowly whining at the thought of Hanbin being scared of him, Jiwon buried his head in the crook of Hanbin’s neck. “No… I don’t want that… I’ll endure…-“ He was interrupted by two hands gently cupping his face and lifting it to let him look at Hanbin. Warm, brown orbs melted into his own gaze as he felt soft fingers play with his hair. “Jiwon… Don’t. Don’t try to endure by yourself.”

Hanbin had watched Jiwon, frowning while he saw Jiwon grimace in fearing distaste. Upon hearing Hanbin’s soft words, the older was brought back into reality and shook his head, and Hanbin understood. _‘Not yet.’_ He nodded, leaning back into the embrace. “It’s just that I’m scared.”  
Hanbin didn’t respond and only tightened his embrace that silently said _‘I’m here.’_

_And it seemed alright like that, like they could go on like that: relying on each other when their fears acted up to drag them down back into that deep, deep abyss full of darkness. But deep, deep down, Hanbin knew it wouldn’t work like that._

_Because he himself had to fight his past and own actions, but Jiwon was fighting real demons that clouded his mind with that cruel, inhuman desire to sink his teeth into human flesh._

_But_ why _did those demons exist in the first place?_

[-]

A heavy melody floated through the air as Min slipped his vibrating phone out of his pocket, silencing the desperate piano. He couldn’t care less, not now, he thought as he popped another grape in his mouth. The grapes that laid in front of him, nicely decorated on a pretty plate and missing quite a lot of the dark red fruits, were quite plump and full of juice – quite to his distaste. The unusual amount of sweet liquid they contained burned in the back of his throat, right after they had burst inside his mouth. It worsened his headache, too much, too sweet. He liked them dry and without expectation or sensation, yet he ate the ones that were so different from what he could bear. He blamed the fact that today was a day to remind himself of his sins that should forever lay heavy on his shoulders. And he didn’t care how many people he had killed – oh, Min couldn’t care less. They were just records and letters in his mind. What pushed him down, what made him bleed inside was one person, one so beautiful person he had corrupted so badly. His scared screams still burned in Min’s nightmares, piercing his heart and mind every night he dared to sleep.

The piano started to play again and this time, Min looked at the caller ID. His eyes widened as he read the name he hadn’t heard in a long, long time and should have been deleted from his contacts. It was a person he thought long forgotten, just a shadow in his cruel dreams that haunted him. Shaking, he swiped to the right and pressed the phone to his ear, wanting to hear the voice he vaguely remembered and at the same time lock it away forever. The voice that spoke through the speaker trembled so heavily that Min wanted to cry.

“Yoongi?”

He took a deep breath, a few tears escaping his eyes as he closed them. God, this wasn’t what he had planned for today, was it? However, this wasn’t someone he could ignore (it was someone he had missed so dearly and regretfully).

“Hoseok. Thought you’d never call.”

He silently ordered a cup of coffee while a painful smile crept across his face. He needed something bitter to get through this.

[-]

“I d-don’t think that’s a good idea, Hanbin…!” The level of nervousness in Jiwon’s voice rose the moment the younger pulled him into the garden of the institute, exposing him to the outer world – in a limited sense, of course. But still, Jiwon definitely wasn’t used to anything but the inside of the institute, the last time he had been outside wasn’t actually a nice memory, as it had left him with wounds and scars. “I know that you might be scared of it, but trust me, okay? It’s for your recovery.” Hanbin comforted Jiwon as he stood a bit closer, his thumb running across the back of Jiwon’s hand as he spoke. The older would be lying if he said that he didn’t feel tense at all after that little gesture, but he did feel a lot calmer – Hanbin wouldn’t be lying and maybe, maybe it would help them with having a… future?  
It was a weird thought of Jiwon that had been flying in his mind for some time now, creeping into his consciousness more than now and then. Hanbin was someone he wanted to hold hands while walking down the street, like normal people did. One might misunderstand, but Jiwon was well aware that they both were anything but normal – still, it was a nice thing to dream of. Because it was Hanbin. Hanbin who, despite all his wrongdoings and sins and fears, now stood by his side with that rare, but oh so delicate smile of his- and those eyes in which Jiwon could drown for hours and hours.

He also was well aware that no matter how much he wished for it, he couldn’t be the support to Hanbin that Hanbin was to him. Jiwon vividly remembered the day Hanbin had laid in his arms, shaking and talking so quietly as he relived his darkest memories. It was no different to the pain he felt in his heart as he had to helplessly watch Hanbin suffer. His hand grabbed the younger’s, in as much confidence as fear. “Jiwon…?”

Jiwon’s glance met Hanbin’s confused eyes, chuckling nervously. “I’m just nervous, but… But I want to do this.” He could swear that his heart jumped out of his chest and ran away in to Hanbin’s arms as the latter smiled brightly at him, squeezing the older’s hand in reassurance. “I’m here, don’t forget that.” Not caring about them being outside (not that Jiwon had a choice, his body moved on its own), Jiwon quickly leaned forward and pecked Hanbin’s lips, trying to suppress their slight shaking. But Hanbin gently pulled him closer, also giving him a peck. A smile spread on his face while his heart started to thump at the slight contact. And so, Jiwon’s response was to grab the younger’s face and kiss him gently, just to move on to Hanbin’s face and cover in short, appreciating kisses. All his heart ever so softly screamed in that moment was _Hanbin, Hanbin, Hanbin._

An embarrassed hustle ripped them away from their own little world, staring at the person that now stood at the garden’s entrance. But still, Jiwon held Hanbin close. “I know you guys are in love and all… But you may want to avoid being all lovey dovey in public? ( _It’s not that I’m single as fuck, no, I’m quite happy with shipping you guys, but the fact that this is an institute is a bit…_ )” Jiwon grinned at Soonji, nodding at her as a thankful gesture for the very detailed explanation she gave him a few hours earlier. Not letting the embarrassment get to her, Soonji returned the nod and quickly threw him a small bottle, which he swiftly caught. As he inspected it, hid away from Hanbin’s curious gaze, his eyes questioningly watched Soonji (who now finally blushed fifty shades of red). When she understood, she silently mouthed the word “LUBE” and Jiwon nodded, mouthing a “LOTS AND LOTS OF LUBE” back.

_This guy… I can’t. I’m resigning this is OUTRAGEOUS- how is he so goddamn cute?_

Soonji coughed heavily while a war broke out inside of her (which quickly came to an end as she saw Jiwon smiling sheepishly at Hanbin).  
“Miss Soonji? I haven’t been feeling that well, could you talk with Doctor Jung about my medication? I don’t think it has any good effects on me, I feel worse day by day-“ Hanbin froze as he heard a familiar voice ring through his ears. It was Kung Sungdo, but his voice was so different than Hanbin was used to. It was tired, exhausted even, and sounded like he was begging Soonji.

Jiwon laid his hand on Hanbin’s stiffened shoulder as he noticed how tense the other had become. His rough hand slowly moved across his shoulder up to the back of his head, where he gently caressed his nape. He felt Hanbin relax a bit and smiled slightly (ignoring the slight turmoil that was building up in the back of his mind), before he turned to stare at the stranger that seemed to be the cause of Hanbin’s distress.

“Sungdo-“ Sungdo just waved his hand in a throwing manner, gesturing Hanbin to just _not care_. “I’m tired and my body is still aching, Hanbin. Let me heal for a bit, yeah? I already get that you’re superior and all.” Hanbin opened his mouth to say something, taken aback by the so unusually quiet Sungdo, but closed it right in the next moment. The other sighed, massaging the bridge of his nose and trying to blend out his throbbing headache. His father had been stressing him about the topic Hanbin, how such an ‘important member of the underground market’ could be in such a place. After some time nagging at him, his father had become strangely quiet. _“Don’t let anybody else know this, especially not the Park Gang. He’ll return one way or another, but he shouldn’t be killed, should he?”_  
So Sungdo dropped his shoulders, waving the nurse called Soonji a short goodbye and made his way to his room to sleep. _When would he be able to go away from this place?_

Hanbin bolted, dragging Jiwon with him as he hurried to Jiwon’s room (ignoring the twitches of Jiwon’s hand). His heart beat so fast, he couldn’t believe it, _no! “I get that you’re superior.”_ There was so much time that had passed, there’s was no chance he would be remembering this scene-  
He felt the tattoo burning underneath his thin, black V-neck.

They reached the room and Hanbin slammed the door, oh so clearly glued on Jiwon’s panicked expression. The older’s nostril’s flared in anger as the voice acted up again and Hanbin, who was blinded by his fears and regrets and wishes, needed him like that.

Strangely, as he pressed him against the wall, his iron grip around his throat, Hanbin calmed down a bit, lovely staring at the furious Jiwon. God, he was messed up.  
“Jiwon,” his voice was so endearing, so similar to how Jiwon had talked to Hanbin a few days ago, that he flinched at the younger’s words,” I want you to tell me about yourself.”


	12. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (1/2)
> 
> Warning: Violence and abuse

_It all started with a fly. A small, short-lived fly._

A fly’s death, so unimportant, yet it set off a chain of events that changed Jiwon’s future- and his entire being.

It was said fly, smashed under the wooden swatter Jiwon had killed it with, that made Gotong look at him for the first time in a long time. His tall, well built stature stood in the wide doorframe, his body frozen in the process of taking off his heavy coat. Upon seeing that Jiwon had noticed him, he leaned against the wood frame, his posture radiating a menacing feel. “Good evening, Jiwon.” The latter jumped and turned around, bowing deeply in front of his older brother. His words were filled with nervousness that, when they reached Gotong’s ears, filled said man with the same old satisfaction. “You’re back, Hyung.”

“Look up.” Jiwon shot up straight, his posture tense and on guard. Gotong hadn’t been home for a week, which meant work. Work meant stress. And stress equaled a hungry need for bru-

The younger’s breath hitched when his eyes met Gotong’s cold gaze, where a dark, dark spark ignited that very moment. A smile crept across the other’s lips, dry and evil. “Glad to see you.” It seemed like Gotong had an idea that pleased him a lot, his mood suddenly lifted as he walked through the living room to his office. He bumped against Jiwon’s shoulder, setting his entire body on fire, fed by fear. Even when he walked up the stairs, his eyes not once left Jiwon’s gaze which followed him anxiously.

The eyes of a predator.

And his end started with a fly. Would you even believe it?

 

_It started with a fly and continued with a mouse._

“Kill it.” His voice was cold, so awfully cold that it shot right through Jiwon’s veins. His order was clear, not making it any less brutal, not any less shocking than it was. It was the opposite, the certainty in his words made Jiwon freeze. His body was tense, confused, unable to understand what his brother had asked him to do.   
He had carefully placed it in front of Jiwon, the light of the office dim and surreal and capturing the small figure of the creature. Gotong’s steps were echoing in Jiwon’s ears, too present and too strong- and everywhere. Gotong started to be everywhere.

The mouse was shaking under the intense stare of Gotong, who now sat next to him and directed his cruel gaze at Jiwon. “Excu-… Excuse me?” Jiwon’s trembling was no less violent than the small animal’s, reflected in his shocked words. A frustrated growl erupted in Gotong’s chest, making the younger flinch. Gotong was to be pleased, Gotong was to be obeyed, screamed his scars of disobedience. “You heard me. Kill it. Squash it in your hands and crush it under your feet.”  
A sick feeling spread in Jiwon’s stomach, the urge to vomit slowly rising as his mind raced to comprehend his brother’s words.

_Don’t disobey don’t disobey don’t disobey knifes and heat and pain-_

The second growl escaping Gotong’s lips pushed Jiwon, his eyes caught up on the paralyzed, innocent creature in front of him. His heart raced as he slowly reached out for the little animal, so softly and gently like he always had when he took care of them because Gotong simply didn’t want to (except for the times he needed to fulfill his desire to be superior to everything and everyone and to relieve his stress with them being so dumb and small and easy to squash under the strong grip of his hand because he was strong strong strong-). Its big eyes looked at him with something his scared mind imagined to be faith and trust, because Jiwon wouldn’t hurt it, right? Jiwon would never.

But there was fear, anchored deep down in his heart and mind, which he couldn’t overcome. Gotong was there, Gotong had Power, Gotong had strength and hot burning wax and knifes that could cut deep into Jiwon’s fragile skin. Gotong was to be pleased and obeyed because if he didn’t, pain would be pulsing through Jiwon’s veins, replacing his blood and life. It would be flowing through his lungs instead of oxygen, choking him with sharp waves of Gotong’s anger.

“Are you disobeying me?” He asked so quietly, so calmly, but the rage dwelling inside him laced through his voice, ever so slightly. And it made Jiwon remember the pain. And because of the pain, there couldn’t be mercy.

The mouse was so small in his hand,

Its eyes growing and growing and nearly popping out when his big hands started to squeeze

and press and press until the little bones started cracking

and it started wheezing and making sounds that never could sound right.

But it wouldn’t die, just continue on and on and on and on.

And raising and raising and raising his fear of messing up and displeasing Gotong so horribly.

“What takes you so long?” If Jiwon had been in the right state of mind to turn around, he would’ve seen his brother bending forward in a cruelly fascinated manner, almost falling of the big chair he was sitting. The laughter bubbling up inside him that he was barely able to suppress slipped a few giggles through his composure, he couldn’t help it, really! It was a sight to see, his younger brother, crouched down on the floor, resembling the small animal he was killing so much that Gotong wanted to jump out of his chair and crush him himself-

But he just leaned forward even more, his eyes as amused as they were concentrated on the younger. But Jiwon didn’t turn around, he flinched as he heard Gotong’s dangerous question.

“Don’t you want to do something about it?” There was impatience in his voice, a horrible suggestion in his undertone. But Jiwon nodded in fear, tears starting to flow down his pale cheeks as he rose from the floor, the small creature still in his hand. His body was trembling undeniably under the urge to throw up (his brother not shaking any less, even if it was out of excitement) while he stared at the dying creature between his fingers. Jiwon felt his breath his hitch, feeling Gotong’s gaze drilling into his back, silently commanding him to _get through with it_ or he would be next.   
And so he lifted his arms, just to smash the creature on to the ground while he screamed again and again.

And his foot landed on the mouse again and again, his socks starting to get soaked with its blood and the way he felt every broken and crooked line of the mouse’s small figure under his sole made him sick to the core. But he continued crushing and destroying the finally dead creature because Gotong hadn’t told him to stop, _Gotong wasn’t satisfied-_

“Stop.”

He froze, his foot just about to meet with the ground again, down on to guts, fur and blood sticking to it and his socks. Nothing left to destroy. No more.  
Gotong slowly rose from his chair, eyes filled with that despicable amusement he had longed for. It was such a relief for him to see what was going in front of him, such a stress-reliever ~~from what his father had put on his shoulder and really, he couldn’t bear it, making him weak and small~~. What a contorted thing to enjoy, seeing his younger brother break down again _because of him_. But what did it even matter?  
Gotong felt alive, that’s all. 

 

And that was all that would ever matter, because for Gotong, there never was enough, nothing that ever mattered but that _feeling_. If the fly had been its spark, the mouse had slowly started to feed the fire raging inside him. If the fire at started to rage, it needed something to keep being fueled.  
Jiwon hadn’t expected Gotong to actually continue with observing him while he killed an animal, at least that’s what he told himself every night after. The tears didn’t want to stop, the fear spreading inside him like a disease that’d let im rot inside. His bed felt hard, his chest cold and hollow. Gotong wouldn’t do it again, right? He wouldn’t-

But Gotong did. 

_‘If the fire at started to rage, it needed something to keep being fueled.’_

There was a cold shiver running down Jiwon’s back the day Gotong brought home a cute little rabbit, the excited glint in his dark eyes having him run to the restroom. He threw up, his hands trembling while the images of the mouse flooded back into his mind. He didn’t want to, _but you could not disobey Gotong_. So he begged into his mind, he was on his knees, the salty tears running down his cheeks dropping into the disgusting vomit that still floated inside the toilet.  
“Jiwon, dear, could you hurry up? I need to get ready for the banquet today. “

His mother knocked on the door, pulling Jiwon out of his trance and nightmares. He panicked, didn’t trust his voice to not betray him. So he tried to calm down, wiped the half digested pieces of food from his mouth and attempted to stand up, at which he failed horribly. “Come on!” he hissed, supporting himself with shaking arms on the toilet. The images still flew through his mind and blinded him, shooting poison through his veins as he tried to take a deep breath. It hurt, even though he knew there was nothing wrong with his lungs.

_It’s all in his mind, they said._

“Yeah, just wait a second.” He cursed in his mind as his voice shook horribly, giving away he state he was in. It was silent for a while (oh god, he could picture his mother frowning in his mind), before his mother responded, worry laying heavy in her voice. The moment she spoke, Jiwon’s eyes met with his reflection he had been avoiding most of the time for a year now.

“Bunny, is everything okay?”

His face grimaced at the nickname she had been refusing to let go, pain shooting right through his heart. He wanted to say that he’s not, he wanted to say the truth and fall into her loving arms, but he couldn’t.

_Because you don’t ignore Gotong’s orders._

His eyes glided along his sick features, his pale skin and the big bags under his eyes. There still was vomit on his cheeks, fitting so well with the disgusting expression his eyes wore. He couldn’t deny it; he couldn’t convince his mother that he was okay while he looked like that. With that in the back of his mind, he carefully stepped into the light in front of the sink and mirror, cleaning his face with hastily before he lifted his head again, just to stare at himself.

“I’m okay.”

This time, his voice was stable while he was not. This time, he pressed a painful laugh through his teeth. There was a reason he didn’t look at himself, he thought as his eyes studied his slightly exposed shoulder. The scar burned under his gaze, was there ever so prominently. And she was one of dozens, hid away well under thick, long.

Another pause.  
“Are you really?”  
He turned away, looked at the door in front of him with one of the most precious people behind it.  
“I really am.”  
It’s what he said, but he would continue to see the smashed rabbit from that evening in his nightmares, lying beside the bloody baseball bat. Behind him, there always was Gotong with his wide grin and satisfied eyes drilling through his back.

 

_If the rabbit had been fuel, the dog was the spirit._

God, its blood splashed everywhere-

How it put up a fight-

How its bones broke with only his greatest efforts-

How Gotong had actually jumped out of his chair, cheering him on-

How Jiwon, despite his tears and trembling fingers, had felt a strange feeling he was disgusted by.

 

 

He entered the house, exhausted by visiting the strange not-so-innocent grocery shop and using his (admittedly) bad French skills for business matters. Jiwon sighed as he hung up his heavy coat, feeling like a heavy burden had been lifted off his the moment the expensive clothing piece hung down the old wooden hook. He noticed that it had been a long time since he felt that relieved, actually. It was his mother’s birthday after all and he was more than excited to gift her the small bracelet he had bought when he went out with his new classmates. Surprised how well he got along with them, the 15 years old who always had problems with social interactions had enjoyed being with them. And now, look at him, a freshman at high school and he was already labeled the ace at P.E. class!

It made him feel so distant from what had happened a few months ago, and though the dog still would chase him in his nightmares with his bloody, broken jaw and torn up flesh leaving a trail of fresh, black blood behind him, Jiwon would go to school to his friends and everything seemed okay. How much he had longed for normal friends-

“Welcome back home, Jiwon.”

He jumped when he heard Gotong’s voice behind him, the expected, devious undertone nowhere to be found. The older stood in the doorframe, leaning his shoulder on the wooden handicraft. It reminded Jiwon of the day months back, of a small fly smashed under the swatter, though it was lacking everything Jiwon had found threatening. But still, he could not control the shivers and the fear rushing through his entire being as he immediately averted his eyes from Gotong’s gaze, ducking a bit so the other wouldn’t notice how he had grown a few centimeters. _How dare he be as tall as Gotong-_

The few steps his brother took towards him had him cowering already, which didn’t stop Gotong from approaching him. His breath jumped, erratically blowing through his widened nostrils while his eyes sank and sank on to the ground. The moment Gotong stood in front of him, Jiwon’s eyes were trained on their feet- his hid in expensive shoes while the other’s were bare.

“Jiwon.”

“I’m home, Hyung.”

He sensed Gotong nodding and he held his breath, subconsciously searching for the animal Gotong must’ve brought home for him to- because Gotong wouldn’t talk to him about anything else. He wouldn’t. He doesn’t have an animal with him? _It’s a trick, he does, I’m sure he does he really has I won’t be fooled prepare prepare oh god I think I am going to vomit-_

He flinched at the hand touching his shoulder, both cold yet different. It was a foreign feeling – because Gotong doesn’t touch him unless Jiwon did wrong. If he had thought that it had been fear shooting through his veins before, oh, he had been wrong; it doubled and tripled and went over the top, too much to bear for his body. If it hadn’t been for Gotong’s tired words, Jiwon would’ve crumbled in front of him, ready to give up – because he wouldn’t be able to get through with it for another time. If he thought about it, he already was laying there, in front of Gotong’s bare feet, broken, shattered pieces of a deformed creature he once called himself. All that was left was a façade, held up by lies and empty hope.

“Jiwon.”

The fatigue in his voice was something bizarre, something Jiwon was hearing for the first time. _Because Gotong isn’t tired, never, fath- Mr. Kim doesn’t allow_. Curiosity overpowering his lessened fear, Jiwon lifted his gaze, slowly, step by step. He met with Gotong’s tired eyes, deceiving himself about seeing something like remorse – a spark asking for forgiveness that Jiwon was sure he was only imagining. It was gone the moment Jiwon had sensed it, instead he had Gotong speaking so gently to him that he was afraid again.

“Don’t forget to get ready for mom’s birthday, we’re going to get to the hall by 7:30-“

He was interrupted by his phone ringing, letting him take off his hand of the younger’s shoulder. It was a strange mixture between relieve and regret he felt at that moment, even though Jiwon couldn’t deny how immediately light his shoulder felt. Gotong answered it (not before he sighed deeply, exhaustion ringing through his voice), and Jiwon could faintly hear his progenitor’s voice. Mr. Kim’s voice was stern and cold, not any different to what they were used to.  
After a few minutes of short answers and dark expressions, Gotong hurried to his room.  
Jiwon only remembered how painful his screams sounded as chairs crashed against the wall and vases burst on the ground.

 

  
Later that day, they drove to the location where their mother’s birthday would be celebrated. It was a simple, beautiful garden painted white with the winter’s snow. The air was filled with the condensed breath coming from rich people. Glasses of expensive champagne as well as warm tea were offered by the servers who had to be freezing as they were only wearing their suits. Jiwon didn’t like the party at all; he didn’t like how everyone was on their guard so nobody could gossip and how all they talked about was business.

And Gotong? Gotong looked good, as the young girls his age would say. But his face was as cold as the snow, a hard gaze suiting his appearance. Jiwon knew that his behavior was related to their father’s call earlier (who by the way already disappeared from the scene right after everyone congratulated their mother). He had stood in front of Gotong’s room, wanting to talk to him but the fear that sat in his bones hindering him. It was almost pity, that’s how Jiwon would’ve described it if someone had asked. Jiwon laughed lightly at the thought; why would ever pity Gotong? Gotong didn’t need pity.

However, Jiwon did notice the worried glances his mother would give the other. Judging by those, Gotong must’ve been in a good mood earlier that day (and “father” destroyed it). And his mother shouldn’t be worried on her birthday. And maybe, maybe it was the pity mixed with that urge to protect his mother that made Jiwon walk towards his brother, a charming smile decorating his face. “Excuse us, but we need to talk about some… surprises for our mother.” The girls nodded in forced elegance, yet unable to suppress the glances that said more than enough about their intentions. The two returned the gesture, Gotong’s eyes suspiciously glancing at his younger brother.

There was something inside him that started to brawl again, a desire he knew, far back in his mind, he had to suppress. But there was the stress, the disappointment of his father gnawing on his bones and soul that let the anger flow through his veins. His eyes studied Jiwon’s back, and he noticed how the other had grown so much while he was away – his shoulders had became broad and sturdy and he actually had become as tall as Gotong. Next to the almost father like affection that, very poorly, grew inside Gotong’s chest, there was an overpowering rage.

And there was a kid, running around between the legs of the oh-so-rich people.

There it was again, the grin that would’ve made Jiwon’s bones shake in fear if he had looked towards his brother instead of the little kid. And oh, the greed inside Gotong grew and grew and grew the moment he saw his younger brother smile sincerely at the kid.

He had an idea.  
“Jiwon?” He stopped abruptly, that dark spark igniting once again inside him, blissfully replacing the gnawing desire.  
“Gotong?”

Jiwon should not have looked.


	13. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (2/2)
> 
> Warning: mild graphic content; violence

"Don't whine!" 

The hot wax slowly dripping onto his open wounds hurt, letting his body break out in spasms over and over again. So, there it was again, the pain flowing through his veins and through his lungs, making breathing become difficult. "Hyung-" Another row of hits with the bat, covered with dull spikes, rained down on his chest as he spoke, a low growl emitting from his older brother's chest. He desperately gasped for air, writhing in pain as he felt every square of his skin that had been violated by the pieces of metal.

That was it. That was exactly the reason why Jiwon had killed that mouse, the rabbit and the dog so obediently- The reason why he endured all the nightmares, the reason why he preferred not being able to look at himself again instead of letting this happen. Because the pain was unbearable. Because the wish to be dead already embed itself into his entire being with a force so brutal and vicious he could barely stand it. With each second that passed and each drop of wax hurting his skin, filling the room with the smell of burnt flesh, breathing became another form of torture that would just continue to hurt him.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I didn't do it, I should die- I'm sorry so please-" 

"Silence!" A fist crashed into his face, a part of Jiwon's body that Gotong usually avoided. While he was in rage (he always always always was), drunk on stress and a fogged mind that screamed for salvation, there was this part of him that was _aware_ of what he was doing. It was aware of how Jiwon's tears pierced through his heart with waves of guilt, wanting to hide himself for the deformed creature he was. But most of his conscience was focused how the power he had over Jiwon; his screams and burnt, damaged skin and those very tears seemed to wash away his own hurt _and guilt._

No one would see what was happening, Gotong would be relieved and Jiwon left alone with destruction.

Jiwon stopped making any noise except for silent groans he couldn't suppress. He looked down on to his torso in fear and horror. The spots were the wax had already burnt down to his flesh where surrounded by red, irritated skin, only adding more hurtful flaws to his body. He wanted to scream when he saw them, barely even acknowledging that they were his as his mind drowned in pain and suffering. As the urge to vomit made its way through his body, Jiwon lifted his head to look at Gotong, not conscious of what he was doing. 

Red.

His face bloomed in a hurtful, screaming red as Jiwon's fogged eyes met Gotong's, the dried tears looking like they cracked his pale skin. "I'm sorry-" The younger managed to press before his head dropped on to his chest, heavy, ragged breaths indicating that he was still conscious. And with Jiwon's head, Gotong's heart dropped. All those freeing feelings, all those relieving emotions he had felt up to now disappeared and were replaced by ugly shame and guilt –

And more anger. 

Jiwon didn't know where the knife came from that cut the ropes around his wrists and ankles, but what burned in his mind the very next moment was that when Gotong punished him, being on the ground was not a good thing. His brother had forcefully thrown him onto the floor, kicking him wherever he could reach. But it didn't result in the satisfaction Gotong craved or so badly, building up the rage inside him with dangerous speed- _Why didn't it work? Why? Why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why why-_

_Gotong was a devil in suit._

_Power was his armor, fists his weapons and his mind was his sin._

And though there were a lot of words you could describe him with, he wasn't a murderer. 

_But his entire being was his own punishment._

So when he brought down the knife to ram it into the other's shoulder, it was all out of mercy. Mercy that finally let the agony filled scream escape Jiwon's lips, his eyes wide open while they – filled with pain and fear – stared at Gotong. 

_Mercy was his drug._

"STOP IT PULL IT OUT STOP IT PULL OUT FUCK FUCK FUCK-"

The satisfaction flooded through Gotong like the blood out of his younger brother shoulder, giving him back that warm sense of security. He didn't notice how he started to scream as well, his mad gaze jumping between the knife stuck into his brother's flesh up to its handle and said boy's bruised face. It seemed far away from him, now that he got back his coping mechanisms. So far away that he disconnected from his own body that cackled in insanity.   
"Sh, Jiwon, sh." He shushed his younger brother, pressing a dirty, bloody finger to his own chapped lips – not even noticing the wide grin making its way across his face. This was fantastic, this had a _meaning_ , this was _holy_ , did he not understand? This was what they needed to get rid of what father burdened, pushed them down, suffocated them _all_ with! 

And it all went silent. Jiwon opened and closed his mouth looking like a fish while his mind's thoughts stuttered. "W-" Gotong's grin disappeared as he leaned down, focusing his entire weight on the knife, his ear inches above Jiwon's lips. The way his eyes were squeezed shut in concentration was almost comical and would've fit into a photo album's cover of a happy childhood. 

"Will it end?"

Gotong's entire expression relaxed, his eyes fluttering open to reveal a sea of darkness. "I wished."

[-]

Hours later, Jiwon quietly dragged his damaged body back from the streets to his room. 

_Jiwon didn't remember how Gotong had moved from the floor to standing above him, laughing with tears rolling down his cheeks. But his terrifying screams burned into Jiwon's mind. They sounded angry, furious, helpless._

_They made him think about how this would really be his end, tortured and stabbed by his own brother, because-_

_And then it hit him, the question why he would have to die that very day, what he did wrong to not deserve to live anymore; the question why fate decided to be so cruel towards his simple, small soul. A wave of the craving to live crashed over him like the sea would devour a desperate ship on a stormy night. His panic mixed with anger and great fear of his near death as Gotong turned around, madness in his dark brown eyes that were glued to the knife stuck in his brother's shoulder._

_Sudden silence fell above the madman who barely allowed himself to breath in that moment he should always remember as holy. He securely stood, his now strong legs supporting him, on the very ground he should from now on worship as sacred._

_"This is a sacrifice you shouldn't mind, Jiwon. After all, the debtor shouldn't expect too much from his creditor. Not when you're like this."_

_To die in silence, he thought, suited Jiwon, who never let a word about this pass past his lips. To die in silence and not in wild, loud grace known as distraction. Sole death is what he would be confronted with._

_And Jiwon felt three things rush through his mind: His will to live, Gotong ripping the knife out his shoulder, it's sharp tip pointing at Jiwon's heart and the adrenaline rushing through his veins._

_The roar burst from his lungs, surprising his older brother and sending him stumbling backwards. No man would've ever wanted to witness the terror not just unfolding, but really exploding in front of them as Jiwon jumped up, all sanity long gone but replaced with the pure instinct of survival. Gotong's scream was stuck in the very throat that Jiwon's teeth buried themselves in, ripping the skin as he brutally tackled the man on to the ground._

_It was not satisfaction flooding through his clouded mind as he saw the numb fear in Gotong's eyes - like he didn't register what was happening. It wasn't relieve that came with the warm blood that he vomited, splattering across his face in a gross manner._

_It was terror._

_It was terror that came with the metallic taste and the texture of soft skin between his teeth, torturing his mind with the sin he was committing and he_ knew _could never be undone. He_ knew _that never again in his life, he should ever find peace._   
_He knew that he had just killed his brother by ripping his throat, and yet he couldn't help but hold onto one thought, one absurd feeling, a question he should never be asking:_

_Did relieve always feel this sweet?_

"You've gotten a first taste?" 

_Jiwon woke from his daze, the innocent smile blown from his face just for his expression to turn into own of complete horror. Gotong's dead eyes stared at him, the same terror floating in his clouded, dead orbs._ He was dead. _His blood-painted mouth that had crooked into an unknowing, vicious grin didn't move at any time, and Jiwon was sure, he was damn sure he kept fucking staring and looking and never once did his glare leave the crimson grimace so why-_

"Kill." 

_Gotong's mouth did not move._

_He screamed once again and it felt like his lungs burst as the blood, he wasn't sure if it was his own or his brother's, stung on his tongue - the laughter in his head threateningly pressing inside. Jiwon jumped and ran out of the door, spitting out the piece of his brother’s skin on the floor, right next to his head._   
_And so he ran, his aching body forgotten in terror, the blood on his entire face not cared about in fear. He ran and ran into the night in the hopes of not running into anyone or just simply dying in the dark-_

_The thought of jumping off a bridge crossed the surface of his chaos mind._

The doorframe once signalizing safety now felt like a threat as he stepped into his room, painted in simple hues of blue. The mattress, once so soft and a sign of comfort, now felt hard and judging beneath his hurting body.   
He pulled his knees near his chest, quiet sobs leaving his mouth into the silent, unforgiving dark.

_"Kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill kill-"_

His hands reached around his head, pressing violently against his temples in an attempt to crush his damned head. What had he done?

_"Kill."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hide the children, I updated! 
> 
> Thanks a lot for all the kudos and kind comments, I really appreciate them.
> 
> Also, school will get really busy in like one and a half months, so I dont know when I'll be able to update again...
> 
> Still, hope you guys enjoyed!


	14. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just a bunch of awful emotions.

If one was to search true beauty,

some would probably answer that when you were lucky, you'd catch one of those special mornings in spring – the ones on which the sun shone gently through the bright green leaves of the trees while a soft breeze caressed each and every thing that was just _there_. They make you sigh in happiness that comes from the depth of your heart, that one little, locked corner that always was and always will be safe from the brutal world smashing against it. They touch your very soul, searching for the calm inside, just to bring it outside. The mornings that make you feel glad to be alive, right there, right then, forever.   
And it was one of those mornings, gentle and warm and safe like it hadn't been for a long time inside the cold, sterile walls of so-called healing. Unusual, peaceful silence kept itself floating in the air, the only noise disrupting it being the soft chirping of the birds- and the happy whistling of a certain nurse who happened to make it early to work. Now and then, she would occasionally answer a text on her phone, just to smile and silently laugh at the messages of a -one might say -  quite good looking fella who may or may not work at the grocery shop close to the psychiatry. 

_Sooo, see you in front of the cinema at 8?_

Sure!

She thought for a second, then continued to type as a faint blush appearing on her chubby cheeks.

<3

The squeal (caused by Chanwoo replying with a heart as well) that wanted to pass her lips was contained by her bare self control induced by a man, dressed in black, that sat on a bench in front of the facility. Even though she was almost blinded by happiness, she couldn’t help but notice the dark expression on the man’s face. The way it contrasted his looks was unsettling: you’d think that feline eyes together with such plump looking skin and soft black hair couldn’t contain as negative emotions as the ones reflecting in his brown orbs. He didn’t look very tall as well, but there was something threatening about him He resembled the way patients in the facility looked like: burdened.. She hurried past him, wanting to keep the smile she was wearing on her full lips for a little while longer. It was inevitable that it’d slip of her face, especially when the occasional violent patient caused a commotion. Soonji liked her job, she wouldn’t deny that, but it didn’t bring her any happiness (other than Hanbin and Jiwon recently did, they filled her heart with genuine joy about how people could support each other) that she could look back on when she’d be old. 

Sometimes, she thinks that she really should have gone to college to study for being a teacher, but it wasn’t like she could do anything about that, now that she worked here. She should be grateful for having a job, that’s what she should be thinking. 

“At least that’s what I’m telling myself,” she sighed as she placed her bag on the chair of her personal desk. It may be a strenuous job, but the advantage of working in a facility for the ill of the rich was a quite decent pay and an even more decent break room. She really was trying to contain another giggle as she thought about her date for the evening, she really really was.  
Well, it didn’t succeed because in the end, she was doing a little dance while changing into her uniform.

The whistling found its way back into her behavior as she walked towards Jiwon’s room, having already prepared the medications for various patients the day before. She really wanted to make sure that she’d have enough time to get ready and be punctual as well.   
A tune resembling a bird’s chirping passed her lips in strong anticipation and excitement that sure wouldn’t die down until the evening, if not the opposite. She cheerfully knocked on the door when she arrived, planning on trying to get a bit closer to Jiwon because she firmly believed that he shouldn’t just depend on one person. 

“Good morning, Jiwon-”

The smile she had hoped to keep on her lips so desperately fell off her face, shattering into a million pieces on the floor.

“Jiwon!”

[-]

_The dim light that spread through Jiwon’s room was calm, cold, unfitting. It contrasted the intense emotions that ran through the hearts and bodies of two confused souls, terrified after a the tragic fate was told. Hanbin didn’t know how to handle such terror, even though that was all he had been doing in his life, he didn’t know what to say to such a destroyed mind. Not to mention that he himself had memories making their way from the deep, dark corner where Hanbin had forced them to back into his consciousness, mocking and judging his terrible crimes._

“I get that you’re superior!” _One of the sentences that would stick to him until his death echoed in his mind again and again as he watched the never-ending flow of tears stream down the other’s in horrible emotions disfigured face. There was hurt, there was regret, there was will and urge to kill- the thirst after sweet revenge that could never be fulfilled because of the torture Jiwon’s mind had laid upon itself. A silent scream begging for closure, yet wanting to be punished for the horrible crime he had committed. A part of Hanbin saw himself in the eyes once so pure and warm but now drenched in anguish._

_Each and every heavy breath they took rung in their ears like violent explosions, caused by the painful silence that covered the room like a dense cloth, not sparing enough space for what should be said and therefore suffocating both of them. Words were stuck in their throats, making them sore and aching as the question of guilt laid in front of them._

_They were both scared._

_“Jiwon?”_

_Jiwon wanted to go deaf, to disappear, wanted to experience everything else than being in that very room in that very moment. He would never stand tall against those demons hunting him down, letting that rage and urge flare up from the abyss of his mind. Letting hose words pass his lips, having someone knowing what he had done years ago didn’t lift off the weight like he had hoped._

_On the contrary, everything seemed more difficult now that he could see the disgust in Hanbin’s eyes that the other was unwilling to show, the shock that swam in those brown orbs like he was a monster. It stirred something inside the scared Jiwon, releasing the anger, the revenge, the beast that wanted to rip apart everything that lived._

_“Jiwon- Listen to me!”_

_“No!”_

_The tension between both of them dashed through the light air of the morning, whirling and painting the white sterile room in the various colors of crime and guilt. Hanbin was shaking, not of anger nor fear, but the lack of control at the tip of his fingers. He knew that this was escalating, that the wasn’t able to say the right thing or know how how to act because every breath was fuel to the fire burning inside Jiwon with the sharp force of destruction. Destruction that even he, Hanbin, who had killed and ripped and destroyed for years and years, could never imagine._

_And all he saw was red. Deep, dark, crimson red glancing through Jiwon’s eyes, a glimpse of the madness inside his mind that would end up killing and killing if Hanbin didn’t stop it-_

_Right when he had taken a deep breath to just try for both of them, it happened. Very hesitant at first, just a quick twitch of his lips that usually were soft and shiny, now chapped and dry because of dehydration. A twitch turning into a full blown grin speaking of the terror the force inside him wanted to cause, the pain and the anguish it wanted to hide turning into fear Hanbin felt. He would never want to admit it, not like that, not ever, not when he thought of the innocent, shy smile Jiwon had given him just days ago, so much want to protect glistening in his soft eyes. Hanbin felt fear at the sight of black, stone-like eyes that wouldn’t show any mercy towards him because Hanbin had become something less than himself, he had become nothing to Jiwon._

_But yes, it was Jiwon’s horribly, insane grin that set him off._

_And then Jiwon lunged at him, screaming in pain and insanity and in the emotion of letting go; opening the door for his guilt- If he did this, if he succeeded, he wouldn’t have anything to live for- Imagining a life without Hanbin whom he didn’t even recognize anymore. He was a stranger, mere flesh to rip apart and to tear down the momentary illusion of a hopeful, ongoing life. If Jiwon would’ve recognized him in that second, Jiwon’s heart would have overflown with the feelings that made him want to keep Hanbin at his side, laying next to him and listening to his soft snoring while he would just look at him; at his glistening skin, his pink untainted lips that would never speak any evil towards him unlike many had done before. But Jiwon didn’t see Hanbin anymore. All he saw was a person his wrecked mind told him to kill, to make him feel even guiltier about existing in the first place- All he saw was punishment towards himself._

_In that mere second, his vision went black – Hanbin's crying, brutal face the last thing clearing through the cloud of blur._

_Hanbin’s elbow had hit Jiwon’s temple harshly, breaking skin with the violent force used to defend himself- maybe with the intent to break down that something in front of him that was not Jiwon. At least that was what he wanted to convince himself with: That couldn’t be him, that couldn’t be what was laying beneath the mellow smile he had grown to love over the weeks Hanbin had seen it. Flashbacks of his first day flooded back into his mind, teeth being buried in an innocent man’s shoulder- human blood smeared over Jiwon’s face. He wanted to cry, was crying, because that’s exactly what and why Jiwon was here, in this facility full of cold and lonely walls. How could Hanbin forget? How could he be so naive? How could he?_

_Jiwon was a monster._

_And so was Hanbin, who had hurt him._

_Maybe it was when that thought seeped through his mind that Hanbin stopped screaming so brutally. He felt the strenuous activity of his voice burning in his throat, but he didn’t care, couldn’t care. He had hurt again, a person he held dear to himself. A person he held dear to himself but shouldn’t because-_

_He had no clear thoughts left in his mind, slowly taking steps back, away from the unconscious Jiwon laying on the floor. The cold air was promising the dawn of a new day soon to come as Hanbin never took his eyes off the other, not knowing if it was out of shock or fear that he could jump towards him again._

_Not even when he felt the wall against his back, he could feel secure. He actually hadn’t for a long time. And neither the cold floor nor the tears streaming down his face offered the support that he pathetically longed for._

_A whimper escaped his tainted lips._

[-]

“Jiwon!” 

Her eyes captured a bleeding Jiwon, laying on the floor without moving an inch. She didn’t think, she just ran, she tripped-, fell next to the unconscious man, checking his breath with shaking hands. A sigh escaped her lips, but she didn’t feel any relieve; her hands ran through her now tousled hair as her gazes jumped through the room, eventually landing on Hanbin. It was something almost like an instinct that told her that she couldn’t freak out, not now. Maybe it was the way the usually confident Hanbin that seemed to unable to ever shatter cowered in the corner, staring at his seemingly clean hands that made her take a deep breath. With clenched hands so she wouldn’t show her shaken state, Soonji slowly made her way over to Hanbin and kneel down in front of him. His eyes were swollen and red from hours of crying, his knees pulled close to his body as he murmured the same words over and over again.

“Monster… monster…. Monster-”

“Hanbin?”

Her whisper was very soft, but Hanbin violently jumped when he heard Soonji’s voice. At first, it was only shock that was held in his expression; wide brown eyes staring distantly at her face in fear – like he didn’t recognize her in that moment. Oddly enough, he reminded the nurse of a small animal facing death. He didn’t move despite the rapid movement of his chest, he didn’t scream-

The way Hanbin’s clouded, brown eyes filled themselves with water showed an emotion of deep, deep despair. Seconds later, the first salty tears rolled down his blotchy, lightly scratched cheek. “Soonji- I think I seriously hurt him, Soonji, I- I’m a bad person, I’m evil, I’ve kil-” 

“Shh, Hanbin, calm down. It’s alright, Jiwon’s alright, he’s gonna be- I promise. Shhh...” Soonji shushed the crying boy, carefully wrapping her arms around his sunken in shoulders so her small hand could pat his hunched back. Despite his state, Hanbin hugged her back with a lot force, almost crushing her small body in his desperate embrace. But Soonji knew that Jiwon needed some medical aid, not knowing if Hanbin actually caused harm or if they were lucky for once.

She decided that squeezing Hanbin tightly for another time, accompanied by a quiet ‘he’s gonna be alright’, would need to suffice for now. “Okay Hanbin. I’m gonna bring you to my break room and you’re gonna stay there and drink some tea or water- anyways, I’m going to get some first aid for Jiwon, alright?” Hanbin froze for a short second, just to gently get out of their hug and nod. He was still visibly shocked, but he tried to get up by himself – successfully. Soonji hurried to get up as well and shot Jiwon a short but worried glance. “Okay, so I’m gonna bring you to the room and get stuff to patch Jiwon up. Just you wait, he’s gonna be walking and hugging you in minutes.”

Another absent nod from Hanbin, and then they walked and walked and walked. It seemed endless for both of them, even though it was a distance that took them three minutes at most. And had the world been a mess of angry reds and stark black and anger hours ago, it now was bleak and crumbling in front of Hanbin. Had the walls had been illuminated by the soft morning sun moments ago, they now looked harsh and blinding to him, as intense as anything that could reach him in that moment. 

Hanbin had hurt Jiwon. 

Everything that happened after felt like it was hidden behind a thick cloud of fog, not allowing him to see anything else but his silhouette laying unconscious on the ground every second he dared to close his eyes. Nothing but that and the faint smell of Soonji’s perfume that gave him a strange, distant sense of comfort he felt didn’t deserve.

While Soonji applied a compress on Hanbin’s bleeding elbow, his empty gaze still directed at the wall in front of him, Yoongi got up from the bench he had been sitting the last two hours. The dry sigh passed his chapped lips in an emotional manner he hadn’t shown for years. It felt like the clock that had been ticking for so long now turned backwards, taking him to the time of the biggest regret of his entire life.   
“Hanbin, drink this.” Hanbin seemed to awake from his freeze the moment Soonji gently touched his shoulder, slowly letting his eyes focus on the big glass of water standing in front of him. The desk around it was a mess, but the water was calm and stood out among the mountains of paperwork stacked on top of each other. His eyes rested on it for anther second before grabbing the glass and greedily drinking its content like a man drinking after he survived a drought. 

Yoongi’s steps were heavy but silent as he approached the entrance, his mind calm but drenched in anguish. He was determined and scared, he was scared so much of his past because it’s what he had been running from for so long. 

One should not misunderstand- Yoongi, shop owner Min, had adapted to the life of a gangster when he was nine, being abandoned on the road and picked up by a group of scumbags who pitied him. They took him in, taught him, cared for him and in the end, betrayed him. In retrospect, he should have known that if one climbed into the abyss, willingly or not, they wouldn’t get out of it- they’d die inside that hole of trash and scum. Still, he was lucky, resisting the temptation and urges to ram the needle into his arm like so many had done, relieving themselves from the sin around them, fading away until there was nothing but a hopeless pile left of the person they had been before. He was lucky because he stayed clear, he had stayed sharp and knowing. If he would’ve been predictable, he wouldn’t have climbed to the top and left no one alive of the ones who betrayed him in such a shameful matter- Yoongi had become shop owner Min, climbing even higher and higher.

Then there was a blessed time that made him feel lucky, let the sun warm his cold and pale sin. The blessed time that had ended so quickly, pulling him back and down from his high, foolish horse.

Shop owner Min gave it a rest, didn’t climb the latter of dirty success anymore, but instead just continued to exist in all the shameful glory he had put upon himself the years and years before _that_ happened. And then there was this kid on the verge of falling down, which he ended up doing. Kim Hanbin, who had no chance of saving. He ran away, Yoongi knew, but there were either two possibilities for his grim future: He’d have to return to the abyss-

or die.  
He didn’t care either way, he told himself. He shouldn’t.

Yoongi was lost in his thoughts until- he heard the laughter he hadn’t heard in so long, light like the ring of small bells that traveled through the air. It was sweet like honey and froze Yoongi in his steps. He turned to the direction it came from, lured him and teased him and pained him. It wouldn’t be possible- “Jimin?”

It was a dry whisper fighting its way past Yoongi’s chapped lips and then- and then he heard this angelic voice he had been longing to hear for _so long_! So mellow yet so full of character, so alluring and curious and charming that it drove him crazy to just miss out on it for another second-  
The voice that, he remembered, had sounded so very broken. And behind the laughter, still did.

So Yoongi hid. 

“Look at you, you’re doing quite alright, Jimin! I’m glad to hear you laugh.” A pleasant feminine voice rung in his ears, accompanied by a fond laugh. Yoongi wanted to look, he wanted to so badly, but he didn’t. He shouldn’t and couldn’t do it, not with what he had done.

“Thanks, Subah. It really means a lot to me… I didn’t think I could ever smile again.” He clasped a hand over his mouth, keeping himself from screaming and crying and raging at the sound of those words.  
Hanbin set down the glass with a loud sound, his arm too weak to put it down carefully. He was shaking violently.

The woman named Subah, from which Yoongi assumed was a nurse, made a light joke that caused _Jimin_ to laugh again. Bittersweet, sharp pain shot trough him, making him crouch down a bit, breathing heavily. This wasn’t what he should be doing, he shouldn’t have come to this place. He had no right, he’d never have, especially hearing him laugh! If Jimin could finally be happy again or at least have a chance to be, Yoongi had to stay away.

He turned and slipped through the entrance. 

“Come on, Hanbin. Let’s get you home.” Hanbin refused Soonji’s arm helping him get up from the chair, giving her an apologetic smile. He couldn’t endure human touch right now. He had to get out of here. So he bolted, Soonji shouting after him in her sweet, worried voice that made Hanbin feel even worse. But he ran through the hallways again, reminded of his very first day, of seeing Jiwon for the first time, his deep brown eyes fixated on him-

Yoongi breathed deeply, his stare caught by a very familiar face he had believed to be dead already. If his future self would ever look back on this moment, it’d think that Hanbin really should have been.  
“Kim Hanbin.” He panted, crouching down to support himself on his thighs, staring at the floor. He fucked up. “Fuck.” His thoughts were muddy, swirling and bolting around in his mind like they were being forced by an unstoppable current, confusing him. Squinting his eyes so much that he could only could see a blurry mess, he tried to block out as much as he could he wouldn’t feel as dizzy, as sick as this. It didn’t work. 

“Shop owner Min?”

There was not vomit gurgling in his throat, but he was sure he would’ve felt a lot better if there was something that could get this rotten feeling out of him. It felt like acid was spreading through his lungs with every breath he took, flowing through his veins and slowly eating away everything there was of him. Yoongi felt like he was dying.

“Get me the fuck out of here, hurry.”

And Hanbin ran again, Yoongi right behind him. Time suddenly meant nothing, at least less than every flying step on the gray floor beneath him that brought them closer to the small side exit. They rushed, but it felt like they moved in slow motion that wouldn’t allow them to break free, even when they reached the door and hurriedly slipped through it. Their soles didn’t leave any heavy imprint on the grass as they got away.  
There was one thought clear among the blurry mess that was his mind, one question as bright as day: Would the running ever stop?

 

[-]

Soonji would have expected Jiwon to immediately ask for Hanbin the moment he’d wake up. Instead, he raised his fist and screamed her, threatening that something really bad would happen if she got close to him. And although she flinched at first, she saw through his anger.

“Jiwon, let me help you. Whatever happened between you two, Hanbin is safe now and I’ll just do something about your injury? Would that be alright? Can you let me do that?”  
He shouted, more scared than enraged, that she should stay away. That he wouldn’t hesitate. Soonji had never witnessed such vulnerability in her life before, such raw fear in anybody’s eyes. Although she didn’t want it to, a wave of pity overcame her. 

“Don’t! I swear to god, miss Soonji, I will rip you apart if you take another step!” Jiwon was now crying, his eyes fixated on her like she could hurt him any moment. “Please, miss Soonji, I don’t want to hurt you-” He fell on his knees, sobbing and crawling backwards in a pathetic manner.   
She sighed a heavy sigh, crouching down on his level. “Jiwon, trust me. You won’t hurt me.”

And he didn’t, he stayed as still as Hanbin when she patched him up. And although she kept her light, encouraging smile on her lips at all times, she felt deep and utter exhaustion.  
“See, you’ll be fine, Jiwon. Hanbin will be as well.” Another reassuring smile let Jiwon break into another stream of bitter tears, this time accompanied by a messy string of words that justs tumbled out of him.   
Jiwon told her everything that had happened that morning, though not a word about his former life passed his lips. And when she looked at him with that soft look, he nodded, letting her hug him very carefully until he stopped crying, repeating the words “It’s my fault.” over and over again.

So did she, but instead of blaming him, she just softly whispered one sentence countless times.

“You’ll be fine, Jiwon, you’ll be fine.”

_We’ll be fine._


End file.
